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  • THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
  • CHAPTER V
  • CHAPTER VI
  • MEMOIRS OF NELL GWYNN, THE CELEBRATED MISTRESS OF CHARLES II
  • THE KNIGHT OF THE SHOULDER-KNOT AND THE DAME OF GENTLENESS
  • THE HOBGOBLIN
  • EPIGRAM
  • PITTY PAT
  • MY FRENCH FRIEND: A STORY OF MISPLACED CONFIDENCE
  • ECCENTRICITY
  • ADVENTURES AND AMOURS OF A BARMAID A SERIES OF FACTS
  • VOLUPTUOUS CONFESSIONS OF A FRENCH LADY OF FASHION
  • CHOICE LETTER FROM THE GREEK OF ARISTENETUS
  • EPIGRAMS

    Anonymous

    The Boudoir No. 3


    THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE

    (Continued from page 51)


    CHAPTER V

    The Sirens of Hyde Park The reader can easily guess that Charlie felt considerably enervated after the departure of the lecherous Mrs. Letsam.

    He spent the day reading, and also wrote a letter to his father, telling him how kind the Mortimers had been, and how he liked his rooms, which they had taken for him. Retiring early he was awakened from a sound slumber by warm moist impassioned kisses on his lips, and felt a soft lithe form nestling close to his body, as he heard the whispered words- "Mr.

    Warner, Charlie dear; I've come to return the visit you paid me last night. It was so nice, I couldn't sleep by myself knowing you were all alone."

    It was impossible not to respond to such a loving invitation.

    "It's jolly of you, Fanny, coming into my bed like this, as it proves you do care for me a little bit; I feel rather tired after our fun of last night, so I mean to make you be the gentleman this time; straddle over me and help yourself to the tit-bit I know all the girls always long for; then I can lay on my back and take it easy."

    "I rather like your saying I made you tired," she laughed in reply; "but you didn't know I saw her knock at your door this morning, and listened and heard all your game together. But I am not jealous, especially as I heard her say you might have me as much as you liked, if you only pleased her in a certain way. What was it, dear, I couldn't quite make out what you did with her; do tell me, there's a very nice darling?"

    "It's a very curious taste, but nice to me; she doesn't care for a man to have her in the ordinary way, she prefers to suck his affair, and swallow every drop of the love juice when it comes. How would you like that, Fan? It felt awfully nice to me."

    "Ugh! That must be nasty! What do you think? I once had a girl sleep with me who would kiss and lick my crack, and it made me feel so funny, but I wouldn't do it to her."

    After this they got to business in earnest, Fanny, mounting as directed, soon rode Charlie's rampant steed till she had drawn the essence of life three times from his palpitating loins, their mingled juices making quite a little flood round the root of King Priapus. At length falling asleep in each other's arms, they slept till daylight, and Fanny had to go away about her domestic duties.

    Having heard from his cousins what larks went on in the parks at night, Charlie made up his mind to see it for himself, and, having no particular engagement on Friday evening, took a stroll as far as the Marble Arch, and turned into the park, taking the path across towards Knightsbridge, arriving at the drive which leads to the Serpentine, he walked along the path observing the couples sitting on the seats kissing and groping each other.

    Presently near the gate he met a couple of young goodlooking girls, who as coolly as possible took him by the arm on each side, "Come along with us, dear, and feel our soft little fannys," said one.

    Charlie made very little objection, and was soon sitting on a rustic seat under the dark shadow of a big elm tree.

    "How much are you going to give us, dear? My little sister is too bashful to speak for herself; you know its always money first in the park, we are so often bilked by mean fellows, who can't afford a proper bit of kyfer."

    Charlie gave each girl a shilling, with the promise of another if they pleased him.

    They were really young and pretty girls, such as the park lecher seldom is lucky enough to pick up, the dark paths and seats being mostly haunted by worn-out hags who cannot stand the illuminating ordeal of the gaslight of the streets.

    It scarcely required the groping of a soft little hand inside his unbuttoned trousers to raise all his usual fiery ardour.

    Each girl (they were not more than thirteen and fifteen respectively) put their arms round his neck and kissed him, the eldest whispering — "You are a darling young fellow, so different from the dirty old men we generally pick up here, I should so like you to have me properly; my little sister doesn't know what it is yet; she is only up to the tossing off business, but I like the real thing, you know, when I can get a proper young bit like you. We can only get out Tuesdays and Fridays. Will you meet us on Tuesday, and go into the Green Park; there you will see lots of fun, and can get out at any time; in Hyde Park we get shut in, and have to climb over the gate."

    He could feel her give quite a shudder of desire as she said this, whilst one of her hands began to play with his appendages, at the same time as her little sister was delightfully manipulating the shaft above. They had slits in their dresses, so that both of his hands found employment, exploring and groping on the one side the soft incipient moss of the elder one's grot, as well as the hairless slit of her little sister. The situation was altogether too piquante to last many moments. The ecstatic crisis came almost instantly, and he could also feel them both bedew his fingers with their female tribute to the touches of love, which his roving fingers made them feel so exquisitely.

    Our hero was so pleased that he gave each one half-a-crown as he kissed and took leave of them, promising to keep the Tuesday's appointment at the same time.

    "You are a darling," said the youngest, Betsy. "Won't we keep ourselves for him, Sarah; we don't want much money, do we?"

    "No, that we will. I hate the nasty old men; we only do it because mother can't keep the home over us unless we bring in five or six shillings a week somehow," was the rejoinder.

    The girls left him, as they said, to go straight home, refusing his offer to treat them to a drink outside the park.

    Sunday came, and with it the tea party at the pretty Misses Robinson's in Store Street. His cousins called to take him with them, and the loving greeting of the young milliners was if anything even warmer than before. Bessie, the eldest, the dark auburn beauty, seemed fairly to quiver with emotion as she kissed him rapturously, whispering as she did so — "You are my partner this evening, Mr. Warner."

    "Nothing will please me better, Bessie, dear; for luscious as I found pretty Rosa, your riper charms must be superior to those of your little sister."

    "I hear what you say, Mr. Charlie; just wait till I have a chance to pay you for your broken promises of constancy to me," laughed Rosa.

    It is needless to say much about the conversation, amp;c, during tea time, except that Charlie induced Bessie to feel his manly instrument under the table as they sat side by side over their orange pekoe.

    After a little time spent in music and singing, the usual turning down of the gas took place, and our hero soon found himself and partner seated very cosily on a sofa in one of the alcoves.

    "How I have longed to caress you, Mr. Warner," sighed Bessie, "for Rosa has done nothing but talk of her darling Charlie ever since the last evening you were here, how delightfully you pleased her, and what a splendid affair you were favoured with; she seems to think of nothing but you, as if you really belonged exclusively to her; but indeed, Charlie, it has made me long to feel in person those thrilling love strokes she must have enjoyed so much, what did you do to please her so?"

    "I can't remember just now what we did," Charlie replied, "but no doubt as your mind is made up for a little love sport we shall play very much the same game."

    His lips met hers in a long luscious kiss, so exciting that his Aaron's rod was as stiff as possible, whilst her bosom rose and fell in palpitating heaves, and her arms pressed him to her bosom.

    Presently he slipped down on his knees, and his hands were exploring the mysteries of her underclothing; her thighs opened readily at the slight pressure of his hand, and he was soon in full possession of the centre of attraction, which he found all glowing and humid from the effects of suppressed desire.

    "I must kiss this jewel of love," exclaimed Charlie, in a quick sort of suppressed whisper; "my tongue will soon make you feel all that Rosa so much enjoyed the other evening."

    She inclined her body backwards, and gave up her person entirely to his tongueing caresses, both her hands lovingly pressing the top of his head, as he ravenously sucked the very essence of her life, which she constantly distilled in thick ambrosial drops under the voluptuous evolutions of his busy tongue.

    Deep-drawn sighs, too, well told of the intensity of her feelings; she threw her legs over his shoulders, and squeezed his dear face between her quivering thighs, till at length, giving one long-drawn deep respiration of delight, he heard her say softly — "Now, now, Charlie, love, let me have him now; you have excited me so I can't wait another moment for the supreme joys of the strokes of rapture I know you are so well qualified to give."

    No charger ever responded to the trumpet call quicker than did our hero, his trenchant weapon was brought to the present in less time than it takes to say so, and the head, slowly entering between the well lubricated quivering lips of her pouting love grot, was soon revelling in all the sweets she so plentifully spent from her womb. What heaves and sighs of excessive rapture followed this conjunction; each seemed to dissolve in ecstasy over and over again, till exhausted nature at last compelled them to call a halt.

    They sat kissing and caressing each other in mutual satisfied delight for some little time, till Frank was heard to call out — "Don't you think it is time for a romp without clothes?"

    Harry and Charlie assenting at once, each youth slipped off his garments, and assisted his partner to do the same, till presently there was an indiscriminate groping and slapping of bottoms, as an incentive to renewed exertions by the young gentlemen, who were a little limp after their first exertions of love. Rosa somehow instinctively found Charlie.

    "Now, Sir," she whispered in his ear, "you have to do penance for saying the more mature charms of my sister must be superior to mine."

    She was holding his throbbing priapus, which she had caught him by, and the touch of her hand seemed at once to renew all its usual elan, he was ready for the charge in a moment, and would have pushed her down upon a convenient sofa.

    "No, no, not that way; I want to suck the last drop of its fragrant essence, whilst you treat me to the same pleasure. I don't care to enjoy you the same way you have just had my sister."

    Side by side on the sofa, with heads reversed, they sucked each other's parts like two bees, till the last drop of the honey of love had been extracted.

    "Now you can go and try Annie, if you can find her in the dark," said Rosa; "but I don't think you've much left for her."

    "Let's go together to find her," whispered our hero, as he took her round the waist, and they searched about till in another recess they found all four of their companions, almost equally exhausted (not the ladies, for they were handling and laughing at the futile endeavours of their champions to respond to their amorous challenge). At length it was time to dress, but some mischievous one had so mixed all the apparel, they were compelled to invoke the aid of the gas before any of them could resume their attire.

    This luscious tableaux of nude figures completed the evening's amusements, and the young gentlemen took their leave with promises of a renewed love feast in a day or two.


    CHAPTER VI

    Games in the Green Park, amp;c Tuesday at the appointed time Charlie went alone to meet the two little sirens of Hyde Park, and found Betsy and Sarah true to their appointment.

    After sitting down on a quiet seat for a few minutes, where they enjoyed some kissing and groping, the two girls suggested a remove across into the other park, and the trio were soon seated on a bench by the walk close to the railings which divided the park from Constitution Hill.

    "Now, " said Betsy, "I want a proper one, my dear. Sarah will look out, so no one can surprise us, and if anyone sees us through the railings it doesn't matter."

    This was a matter sooner said than achieved, for Charlie found the amorous Betsy so difficult to enter on account of the narrowness of the passage, that she had to bite her lips in suppressed agony from the pain of his attempt. But courage effects everything, she was so determined to have ity that at last he found himself most deliciously fixed in the tightest sheath he had ever before entered, it was simply most voluptuous, the pressures of the girl's sheath on his delighted instrument made him come in a moment or two, then the lubricant being applied things went easier, and a most luscious combat ensued. Betsy was perfectly beside herself with erotic passion, whilst the elder Sarah, instead of standing on guard as she ought to have done, handled his shaft and appendages in her soft hand till the excitement was more than he could bear, making him actually scream with pleasure at the moment of emitting. They repeated the game without interruption, and Sarah would have him place the head of Mr. Peaslin just between the lips of her pussey, but would not allow more at present. After spending an hour or two in this delicious al fresco amusement, they took him round the park to see the unblushing games that were going on. Soldiers rogering servant girls, old fellows fumbling little girls, and no end of the most unblushing indecency on every side; the fact being that if people, or rather couples, only get into the Green Park before the gates closed at ten p.m. they might stop there all night, or could at any time go out by the turnstile at the end of Constitution Hill into Grosvenor Place.

    The one or two bobbies who patrolled the park seemed to take no notice, or were easily squared by the girls who used the place for business, in fact Charlie saw one stalwart guardian of the peace doing a glorious grind on the grass till a Lifeguardsman came up, and slapping his naked rump as hard as he could told him he ought to set a better example, which caused great fun to several who were looking on, especially

    when the soldier challenged the policeman for half-a-crown to exhibit his p — k against his for that amount, the girl he was poking to be the judge.

    (Continued on page 129)


    MEMOIRS OF NELL GWYNN, THE CELEBRATED MISTRESS OF CHARLES II

    Eleanor Gwynn, or Gwyn, had little or no education. What we learn of her is, that she was born in a night cellar (State Poems), sold fish about the streets, rambled from tavern to tavern, entertaining the company after dinner and supper with songs, her voice being very agreeable; was next taken into the house of Madam Ross, a noted courtesan; admitted afterwards into the Theatre Royal, as early as the year 1667 (see the drama of the Maiden Queen, and others of Dryden's plays for ten years successively); was mistress both to Hart and Lacy, two famous actors, and kept by Buckhurst, whom Charles II sent on a sleeveless errand to France, in order to favour his approach to her. From that period she began to be pretty well known, and is mentioned by Burnet and other historians.

    As this giddy and dissipated creature gave rise to a noble and most worthy family, one would have nothing desired against her by way of romance; she had some very good qualities to contrast against her bad education and vicious habits.

    Without proofs and citations, one can pay but a proportionate regard to many facts reported of her in a pamphlet, which is certainly well-written; nevertheless many assertions there clash with accounts better known, and offend against probability.

    It no way appears that Lord Rochester was ever enamoured of her. Mrs. Barry was his passion, and Mrs. Botel antecedently to Mrs. Barry, at the time when Miss Gwynn trod the stage; and the King never seeing her till at a certain nobleman's house, it is well known that he had seen her uninterruptedly on the stage from 1667 to 1671, and fell in love with her on her speaking the epilogue of Tyrannical Love, which seems to have been written by Dryden on purpose. It is doubtful, too, if she ever played at Dorset Garden.

    Nelly was highly favoured by Dryden. For many years he gave her the most showy and fantastic parts in his comedies.

    It looks as if he played her at the monarch for a considerable time, since, not to mention the epilogue last spoken of, he wrote on purpose for her an equally whimsical and spirited prologue, prefixed to Orengzebe. At the other house (viz., the Duke's, under Killigrew's patent) Nokes had appeared in a hat larger than Pistol's, which gave the town wonderful delight, and supported a bad play by its pure effect (perhaps Mamamouchi, or The Citizen Turned Gentleman, a comedy by Ravenscroft). Dryden, piqued at this, caused a hat to be made the circumference of a hinder coach wheel, and as Nelly was low of stature, and what the French call "mignon and piquante," he made her speak under the umbrella of that hat, the brims thereof being spread out horizontally to their full extension. The whole theatre was in convulsions of applause; nay, the very actors giggled, a circumstance none had observed before. Judge, therefore, what a condition the merriest prince alive was in at such a conjuncture. He wanted little of being suffocated with laughter.

    In a word, Madam Ellen (as the drama often styles her after she was declared the King's mistress) had no great turn for tragedy, nor do we note her in any part of moment but that of Valeria, in Tyrannical Love, to which Dryden raised her partly through partiality, and partly as it was necessary for her to die in that play in order to rise and speak the epilogue.

    In comedy she was more excellent; nevertheless she must not be ranked as an actress with the Quins, Davenports, Marshalls, Bowtels, Bettertons, and Lees, du siecle d'or de Charles II. But of what the French call enjou'e she was a perfect mistress — airy, fantastic, coquet, sprightly, singing, dancing — made for slight, showy parts, and filling them up, as far as they went most effectually — witness Florimel in the Maiden Queen, to which she spoke the epilogue, Jacinta in the Mock Astrologer, amp;c.

    It is highly probable that Madam Ellen might have made a more decent figure in life had her birth been fortunate, and her education good. A seminary like the streets and cellars of London is infinitely worse than crawling in woods, and conversing with savages. We make this remark because she possessed many good qualities, which no human disadvantages could quite destroy. She had no avarice — when her power increased she served all her theatrical friends. She showed particular gratitude to Dry den; and valued eminent writers, as Lee, Otway, amp;c. She was almost the only mistress of the King who was guilty pi no infidelity towards him, nor did she relapse after his decease. Endued with natural sagacity and wit, she made no ill use of them at Court, paid no attention to ministers, nor ever acted as their creature. Her charities were remarkable; and, what was singular, she piqued herself on a regard for the Church of England, contrary to the genius of the then Court.

    Once as she was driving up Ludgate Hill in a superb coach, some bailiffs were hurrying a clergyman to prison; she stopped, sent for the persons whom the clergyman mentioned as attestors to his character, and, finding the account a just subject for pity, paid his debt instantly, and procured him a preferment.

    She was the most popular of all the King's mistresses, and most acceptable to the nation.

    An eminent goldsmith having on view an expensive service of plate manufactured for the Duchess of P- as a present from the King, the crowd of persons, who went to inspect it out of mere curiosity, threw out a thousand ill wishes against the Duchess, and wished the silver was melted and poured down her throat; but said it was ten thousand pities His Majesty had not bestowed this bounty on Madam Ellen.

    Her picture, painted by Lely and others, pronounce her to be very handsome, though low in stature and red-haired.

    There used to be a bust of her to be seen at Bagnigge Wells, but it was coarsely executed.

    At Bagnigge Wells was one of her country houses, and where the King and the Duke of York frequently visited, and where she frequently entertained them and others with concerts, breakfasts, Sec.


    THE KNIGHT OF THE SHOULDER-KNOT AND THE DAME OF GENTLENESS

    A Serving-man who wore gloves in his cap.

    In this "o'er true tale" we shall exhibit a character which, though not by any means so unnatural, will appear to the curious reader equally singular and extraordinary.

    Priscilla Meadows was the daughter and sole heiress of Anthony Meadows, a rich baronet of Somersetshire, whose elegant mansion lay in that delightful interval which divides the cities of Bath and Bristol. Priscilla was what might be called an epitome of feminine perfection. She was about four feet four inches in height, slender, and finely proportioned; her eyes were jetty black, with the deep diamond's water; her teeth, in the Oriental phrase, were like a flock of sheep newly washed, and close feeding in the flowery pastures of Jehoshaphat; the roses of Sharon bloomed upon each cheek, the coral of Euphrates composed her lips, and the lilies of Lebanon were diffused over the remainder of her beauteous body. Her disposition was mild to excess of gentleness, and her delicacy so refined, that she appeared alarmed and sensitive at the approach of man.

    With all those singularly exquisite endowments, it may naturally be supposed that our charming little heroine soon became an object of admiration with the opposite sex; but such was her effeminate timidity, that it was for a long time she never would be prevailed upon to encounter the dangers of matrimony. At length, however, she was persuaded, and Mr. Henry Ayrtoun, who, though many years older than herself, and of a broken constitution, was so far a proficient in love, as to secure her fair hand, and as he, and all the world hoped, the chaste resident of her soft bosom also.

    Having enjoyed a lengthened honeymoon in the country, the young votaries of Hymen repaired to the capital, were introduced at St. James's, and commenced a life of that gaiety and fashion which their fortune and birth entitled them to — their mansion was the frequent rendezvous of high life, and, as might be naturally expected in an age of so much gallantry, the lovely mistress thereof an object of admiration and love- many sighed in secret, and some few ventured to disclose their passion, but in vain; our connubial heroine remained inflexible, and the marriage-vow seemed to bind, not only her fidelity, but her passions.

    In the midst of this metropolitan career an accident occurred, which not only put an end to all its enjoyments, but commanded an immediate return to Somersetshire. The venerable father of our heroine being suddenly taken ill, had closed his accounts with mortality, and the presence of both the daughter and her husband became indispensable. Many of the town servants were discharged, but among those retained, and taken into the country, was a favourite footman, whose particular avocation it was to attend upon our heroine.

    He was one of those tall, handsome, well-made, strong, and well dressed domestics whom married men commonly (but with what propriety we do not pretend to say) permit to attend upon their wives' persons, and who thereby not uncommonly become great favourites in the families to which they are appendages.

    So it was exactly with our hero, William, whom we have distinguished by the title, Knight of the Shoulder-knot. Mrs.

    Ayrtoun being now, as young married women frequently are, often indisposed, as often accustomed herself to breakfast in her own apartment, and now and then, when particularly indisposed, in bed. Strange and inconsistent as it may appear, William, the young, the athletic, the masculine William, constantly attended upon those occasions, and the Dame of Gentleness, whose modesty was proverbial among men of her own rank, and whose nature seemed to recede from the approaches of equality, received from his Herculean hands the toast and other necessaries of the first meal. Deborah, my lady's woman, was, it is true, now and then of the party, but, being a person of great natural as well as experimental sagacity, she found that by attending to other avocations she gave as much if not more satisfaction, and therefore generally left the ceremony of the breakfast to William.

    The old gentleman being properly disposed of in the country, the grief of our heroine continued to be excessive, and her constitution growing more critical, she was ordered to the Bath waters, and by the same Esculapian authority, her still amorous and fond husband was proscribed from the soft enjoyment of her bed and person, a proscription which, however painful, was agreed to; her health took place of every other consideration, and he flattered himself that by a moderate abstinence from her embraces she would shortly have strength sufficient to embrace him with a greater degree of vigour and transport.

    Mr. Ayrtoun's presence in the family at Bath being by this means not altogether so material, he made frequent excursions to his estate, which was but a few miles westward of Ely, and here it was that one morning he found a letter lying on his writing table, with the London post-mark on it, and directed in a vulgar hand, with which he was totally unacquainted; having opened it, he read the following words:

    "SUR,"

    "That villin Willim has forsaken a poor young woman, after robbin hur of hur virginity, and gettin hur with child, which she is now lying in off, and all for love of his mistress.

    "If you watch them in the morning at breakfast, you will find them out to a sartainty.

    "So no more at present, from your Honor's humble servant,

    "Some one in the Secret."

    Nothing could possibly exceed the surprise excited by this extraordinary epistle. The slightest suspicion of his wife's incontinency had never once entered the mind of Mr. Ayrtoun, but the reverse, he conceived her to be as chaste as Diana, yet, in one moment the assiduities of William rushed upon him with ineffable sensibility, and the green-eyed monster with all his poisons and daggers stood aghast before him. In the next, the letter appeared to be the invention of malice, and his wife's exquisite little form arrayed in the pure robes of exquisite innocence, stood all chaste and justified before him.

    Again he indulged a thousand fleeting terrors. He contemplated the probable superior prowess of his rainbow rival, the opportunities which his own absence afforded a libidinous woman. He now began to suspect his own abilities, and to condemn himself for a venture of so disproportionate a nature. But after a variety of thoughts and suggestions, the whole were consolidated into curiosity, and he resolved to make assurance double sure, by being an eye-witness, if possible, to his wife's strict propriety of conduct.

    For this purpose he returned to Bath that very day, and was received as usual by our modest matron, with apparent affection, to whom he paid connubial adoration, and for whose person he more than ever panted. But our heroine, as usual, declined the amorous conflict, alleging her ill health, and enforced a respite by the promise of future obedience. Having spent the day in mutual tenderness, the fond couple now retired, "each to their downy couch," but not before the husband declared his intention of going the next morning again to his country residence, where he said he had engaged to meet some of his tenants upon special business.

    The house which this fond couple occupied in Bath was at the corner of a street, and had two doors, besides a third which led through a stable. Of this door Mr. Ayrtoun always kept a key, as he very frequently rode out and in and put up his horse without trouble. It was a whim, not to be sure very common among men of large fortune, but as such it pleased him, and he indulged his humour.

    In the morning early, and after a night of very indifferent rest, he arose, took his horse as usual, and rode about a mile towards his country seat, when pretending some occasion to return he stopped at a small inn, and leaving his palfrey there, walked back without observation. It was still little more than the gray dawn, when letting himself in at the second door, of which he had also secured the key, he ascended softly by a back staircase to the door of his wife's apartment, which, through a delicate apprehension of fire, was never more than shut by the common slip bolt. He listened attentively, and finding all profoundly silent stole gently under the bed, and there became a stationary of little more than curiosity. Had he been discovered, the plan was to affect an amorous impatience, and to force his gentle wife into a compliance with his wishes; but having escaped detection, he lay perdu as a post, and waited the event with as much patience as his philosophy could afford him.

    Two tedious hours elapsed before our heroine expressed any symptoms of awaking, but at length a gentle tremulous sigh announced returning animation. The bell was rung, and Deborah, who slept in a small ante-chamber, soon attended the summons.

    "Dear Deborah," cried our heroine, "I am very thirsty, pray let me have breakfast as soon as possible, I don't think I shall rise for some time, but order the tea immediately."

    "Yes, Madam," responded Deborah, who fidgeted out of the room with all possible dispatch.

    In about ten minutes after William, with tea urn and lamp, made his appearance. And now the spirit of curiosity ascended to the regions of solicitude! And now William having disposed of the urn approached the bed! And now solicitude was transformed to distraction. The curtains were rudely drawn, and William throwing his lusty body over that of his little gentle mistress, proceeded to such a volley of well-timed smacks, as penetrated the very soul and vitals of our enraged and astonished cornuto.

    William having made his preparatory discourse, arose, and began to prepare for the work itself. But our heroine, having now some real respect to modesty, begged he would refrain until he returned with the tea things, and had seen that Deborah was about her business in the laundry. This after a few more hearty kisses was complied with, and an horrible interval of at least ten minutes more succeeded.

    During this period our heroine started from the bed with all the agility of sound health and spirits, performed a certain morning ceremony, which she probably thought would add to her expectant joys, and having adjusted her head-dress at the glass sprang into bed again with the same sprightliness and vigour with which she quitted it.

    William now returned, and after locking the door for fear, as he said, of accident, proceeded to uncommode himself of every atom that might impede the fullness of his joys. In short, he stood like a naked gladiator, furnished with such weapons as were sufficient to terrify even the sister or the wife of Caesar.

    Thus prepared for action, he next proceeded to throw off all the bedclothes, and then assuming the seat of bliss gave such wonderful proofs of manhood, as began already to plead in some degree for female infirmity.

    Poor Ayrtoun could now no longer resist a strong temptation to behold the combat, and, therefore, raising himself up at the bottom of the bedstead, took a full view of what was passing, heard all the "sighings" and "oh's!" the "dyings" and "ah's!" and in short, was witness to such a scene as gave him but a melancholy picture of his own claims upon womanhood.

    It may appear a little extraordinary, but certain it is, that, having attended the finale of this rencontre, our mortified husband shrunk into his shell once more, and remained there until his powerful and puissant rival retired from his panting matron, and until she arose and left the apartment; when watching a proper opportunity he again stole from the house, and in the afternoon returned agreeable to promise.

    To most men this systematic forbearance will seem improbable, yet, certain it is, that Ayrtoun went through the whole probation with the fortitude described, and actually dined and drank wine with his wife before he disclosed his discovery, which, however, he at length did in such a complete manner as to leave her no room of doubting her detection.

    Upon being thus discovered and upbraided, instead of whining and begging forgiveness, our little heroine, with a degree of candour not usually met with in the sex, honestly confessed her frailty, which she avowed was irresistible. She declared above board that Ayrtoun never did much more than raise passions which he could not sufficiently gratify, and that, however the world might condemn or censure her upon the matter being disclosed, he only was to blame, for that if he had been what he ought to be, she would have remained virtuous.

    If this declaration was vexatious, it was at the same time, as before observed, honest. Ayrtoun from demonstration could not deny the charge; and, therefore, making allowances for all things, he agreed to let the matter not only remain a secret, but to indulge his wife in a continuance of her amour, upon two conditions — first, that she would allow him to be a constant witness to her pleasures; and, second, that in succession to her more favourite lover she would as constantly consent to his less vigorous caresses. And the fact is, that to this day the scene, unknown to any but the three performers, is carried on without intermission.

    Deborah fortunately took her flight to Kingdom-come, and the young woman in the "straw," who from jealousy wrote the anonymous letter, has gone into Scotland, of which country she was a native, and where for her own sake she will be silent upon a subject which she could only have known from an intimacy that involved her own shame, namely, from William, him who at that time boasted from vanity what he now from interest conceals.


    THE HOBGOBLIN

    A young man lately in our town,

    He went to bed one night,

    He had no sooner laid him down,

    But was troubled with a sprite;

    So vigorously the spirit stood,

    Let him do what he can,

    Sure then, he said,

    It must be laid,

    By woman, not by man.

    A handsome maid did undertake,

    And into the bed she leap'd;

    And to allay the spirit's power,

    Full close to him she crept;

    She having such a guardian care

    Her office to discharge,

    She open'd wide her conjuring book,

    And laid her leaves at large.

    Her office she did well perform,

    Within a little space;

    Then up she rose, and down he lay,

    And durst not show his face.

    She took her leave, and away she went,

    When she had done the deed;

    Saying, "If it chance to come again,

    Then send for me with speed."


    EPIGRAM

    The sovereign Midas, once 'tis said of old, Whate'er he touch'd, could instant change to gold;

    Now German Monarchs view their legions dead, And boast their art to draw their gold from lead.


    ECCENTRICITIES

    The Duke de R- saw a beautiful girl at a ball at Paris, he sent his aide-de-camp to tell her he would give her fifty guineas for a single hair beneath her eyebrows (meaning her eyelashes, it is presumed). The girl sent her compliments to the Duke, and gave him to understand that she was not a retail merchant, but if his Grace chose to purchase the whole at that price, they were at his service.

    Not long ago, a very worthy curate, asking for a living, and as simple as need be, finding that a neighbouring living was vacant, wrote to a gentleman who he thought could forward his pretensions. As his wife was going into that part of the country, he entrusted the letter to her care. The letter was in these words:

    "Most worthy Sir,

    "Through the 'channel of my wife,' I entreat your endeavour to oblige me. The living of…….. is become vacant, and if you could put me in, I should, God willing, never forget the obligation. My wife will return in two days, and any good wishes and endeavours to serve me, may be communicated, by the blessing of Providence, through her means. I am, amp;c."

    The following answer came back:

    "Dear Sir,

    "Your wife having 'laid before me' the whole matter of your request, I am sorry to tell you the 'thing is filled up'; you cannot be more sorry than I am on this disappointment; but you may depend on it, should another 'opening' present itself, I will 'stand' your friend, amp; Your's, amp;c."

    A noble lord, lately married, was observed to bestow more time and attention in examining his bride's estate than might have been expected on his wedding day; but it was natural, that on entering into possession, he should be desirous of surveying the premises.

    As the Duke of Sully was going one morning into the chamber of Harry the Fourth of France, he met a lady whom he knew to have been with him on a private account. When Sully came, the King began to complain in a mournful tone,

    "Ah, Sully! I have had a fever upon me all this morning, it has but just left me." "I know it, sire," says Sully, "for I met it going away all in green!"

    Lady Archer, driving through Pall Mall, exclaimed to her coachman, "Why, John, I cannot make this horse answer the whip." "Tickle him under the a e, and please your ladyship," replied honest John, "and you will be sure to make him feel."


    PITTY PAT

    Pitty pat, pitty pat, went my heart,

    When Damon first his suit preferr'd,

    He squeez'd my hand, nor would he part

    Till all his tender tales I heard -

    Those tales were so pleasing,

    I could not but hear,

    And still he kept squeezing,

    And call'd me his dear!

    His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest dearest dear!

    Pitty pat, pitty pat, went my heart,

    When first he rudely stole a kiss,

    "Oh, fie! you naughty man, depart,"

    "Indeed, I won't, my dearest Miss,"

    He kiss'd, and he told me

    His love was sincere,

    And still did he hold me,

    And calFd me his dear!

    His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest dearest dear!

    Pitty pat, pitty pat, went still more

    My heart, when daddy found us out;

    Dad frown'd, and many an oath he swore,

    Pray, Hussey, what are you about?

    But Damon held tighter,

    And bid me not fear;

    "How can you, sir, fright her,

    "You see she's my dear,

    "My little dear, my pretty dear, my sweetest dearest dear!"

    Pitty pat, pitty pat, trudg'd away

    We to the man in black and white;

    My heart went pitty pat all day,

    But still more pitty pat at night —

    For Damon to show me

    His love was sincere,

    Refus'd to let go me,

    And call'd me his dear,

    His little dear, his pretty dear, his sweetest dearest dear!


    MY FRENCH FRIEND: A STORY OF MISPLACED CONFIDENCE

    It was Goldsmith, the simple-hearted, that uttered the words,

    "what is friendship but a name." I think the story I shall relate will justify the bitterness of the sentence. I was sent to Paris on business, and there in the course of my commercial transactions made the acquaintance of Monsieur Julien, a round, good-humoured little Frenchman, with a charming vivacious little wife, several years his junior. They seemed a happy little couple, and I enjoyed many pleasant hours in their pretty Parisian suburban residence. Two things I regretted-one that my imperfect French and my French friends' imperfect English made our conversation somewhat limited. Another thing was the absence of my friend Johnson-the jolliest pal a fellow could have in a trip to France.

    He it was who in a former visit taught me to learn French from what he called the living grammar. I conjugated the nouns, and learned the tenses under his advice with one of the prettiest little cocottes that could be found in the Quartier Latin. My devotion to the study was intense. It was "I cuddle, you cuddle, we cuddle," from night till morning; and I can say fairly that we "spent" in teaching each other our respective languages no little energy; Johnson was indeed a jolly fellow. He would knock down a gendarme, bilk a cocher or a garcon, and rumple the linen of a laundress with equal equanimity. He raised so many bellies in the gay capital that the registrar of births had to increase their staff, owing to the way he had exercised his; and he infused so much English life into French female nature that he might fairly claim to have brought about international relations.

    A great traveller was Johnson, and I remember one night when he came home more than muddled, in fact positively tight, he sat by his bedside, and looking at his manly pego, which stood up and stared him saucily in the face, he thus apostrophized it: "My flow trav'ler, you served me a sorry trick, just because I was tight; is that any reason you sh'd'nt do your duty? Havn't you tasted the choice juice of Jew and Gentile? Havn't you revelled between the thighs of the lovely Circassian; penetrated the busy forest of a moustachioed Spanish woman; parted the fair curls of a German frau; touched the cold clammy interior of a New Orleans negress; penetrated the musk-smelling secret corner of a Mandarin's wife; and drove home to the vitals of a Scotch fish wife?

    And now to-night when you had a nice little bit of French stuff, warm as toast, soft as a new kid glove, sweet as one of Madam Finette's bon-bons, you turn up your nose, or rather you don't turn up at all, but sulk like an infernal school gal over her bread and butter. Confound you, sir; serve me another trick like that and I'll ram you up to the hilt in the tight, brown, and unsavoury port hole of the Concierge."

    This is a digression, but I only introduce it to show what a jolly fellow Johnson was, how sorry I was that he, an accomplished French scholar also, did not share with me the charming company of Monsieur and Madame Julien.

    During my stay with the Juliens I could not help noticing that Madame was somewhat free in her manner, and I fancied that once or twice she gave me a look which seemed to indicate that she would like to see if English "ros bif" enabled me to do her the justice which I fear her elder and somewhat corpulent partner denied her.

    I, however, took no advantage of her half invitations. I already had a mistress in Ninette, the daughter of my concierge, a pretty little morsel, ripe and melting as a plum, acquiescent and charming, ready to make the beast with two backs, to play the game of 69, to exercise the delicate manipulation of her soft fingers, or do the lolly-pop trick with her ripe lips at a moment's notice.

    After seeing the sights of Paris, and spending a very pleasant time, I at last left, gave Ninette a parting canoodle, which was intended to comfort her, but no doubt made her regret my absence more keenly, and then I bade good-bye to the Juliens, inviting them to come and see me at the time of the Exhibition, when they meant to come to London, and I asked them to put up with me at my pleasant though modest lodgings in the Brompton Road. With many presses of the hand, with tears and embraces, I parted from my French friends, and came to London, looking happily forward to the time when I should see them again.

    To a busy man, time soon slips by and before I had found a suitable successor to my pretty Ninette, the Exhibition came on, and the Juliens were in London.

    By an evil fate and peculiar circumstances I could not accommodate them, but my friend Johnson, the accomplished French scholar, was introduced. With that ready wit which marked all his doings, he found them a pretty and cheap place, and there he was a constant visitor, teaching the Frenchman English and duly chaperoning them over the sights of London.

    Business is a hard task master, it called me from London, and I had to go to Coventry. There, unlike Mr. Tennyson, I did not hang with grooms and porters on the bridge, but I made up to my little dark-eyed chambermaid, and hung onto her with all the tenacity I was capable of.

    How I first got hold of this little demoiselle is a story worth telling. When the little charmer showed me to my room, I could not help noticing the neat turn of her pretty ankle as she tripped up the stairs before me. I saw also that she did not particularly mind showing it. This fired me. I could feel a certain important in function, and not insignificant in size, part of my anatomy grow stiff, and poke up its saucy head, as if it sniffed the tussle not very far off.

    Arriving in the bed-room it did not take me long to enter into a conversation about Coventry, that led to Lady Godiva, and I asked what Peeping Tom expected to see? Gradually and skilfully I conducted the discourse until, to cut matters short, I was enjoying a gentle amble on a steed that would not have suffered in comparison with gentle Godiva herself.

    I brought this gentle amble to a full stop in due time and dismounted, but not until I had revelled in the bliss of as delightful a canoodle as a man could have. "Send a fellow to Coventry" means generally something unpleasant; send me to Coventry again, and if I don't have another bit of exercise, if I don't again put pego in excelsis, and lubricate Miss Patty's canoodler with love's essence, may my most particular and intimate acquaintance, Master Pego himself, forget his cunning and his shadow grow considerably less.

    On my return I thought of my old friend Julien, and walked in the direction of his house, anticipating a pleasant time with him, Madame, and my friend Johnson. As I neared the house who should I meet but Julien himself. Heavens what a change!

    The dapper little man looked pale, shrunken, unshaved, and shabby. His eye had lost its brightness, he looked as if he had been on a booze. He trembled and looked as used up as a man who had spent a week in the tender arms of a Billingsgate fishwife.

    "My dear friend," said I, "how are you? How is Madam?

    How is Johnson?"

    "Sucre — dam Madame; dam Johnson. Perfide" was his savage return. "Pardon, my fren, I have a story to tell you, but we cannot talk here. Come, there is a cafe, let us go, and as Shakespeare says, 'unfold my tale.'"

    We went into the cafe, I called for some refreshment, and poor old Julien unfolded his tale.

    "Ven you left me, my fren," said he, "I was ver sorry; I could not myself contain. I shed von two dear tear, but Madame she try and comfort me, and Johnson, sacref perfide! he made me vot you call jolly! We mix punch so dat I sip it and tink it a trink for de gods. He tell de funny story until I larf like one dam fool, and he tell de story vot you call smutty until I blush, but I larf and my member him stand like so much as bring back de days of my youthfulness. Madam love his company, ve have pleasant time altogether, he chaperon us to every place where ve get amusement, and all go happy and merry as you say as de bells of one marriage. Den, sacrel I get a letter from Paris; it tell me there is some pisiness of importance. I must go to Boulogne to see my agent, or I have one great loss. I feel my heart preak, but I must go. I said to myself I vill not take my vife avay just as she enjoy herself. I go; I settle my pisiness, I soon come pack, and in the meantime I leave my friend Johnson to amuse my vife. I have all trust; I have no fear; I have in my eyes no green; no jealousy, no suspicion. I bid my vife goot-bye. I tell her I shall not be long. I go avay and start for Boulogne. In the evening of that same day I call, before I take the boat, at my London agent, I think vot you call Hooray. A letter there from my agent tell me that all is arranged, I need not put an end to my holidays. Joy! I go home, and I am just going to knock at ze door ven I have what you call von happy thought. I vill go in through the back garden, catch my vife unawares, and give her von pleasant surprise. I go in, I reach the parlour, my vife not there; I go to the drawing room, my vife not there. I feel the tear come in my eye. Poor ting, I say. She so upset at my going away, she be overcome and go to her room. I go quietly to my room, and I knock at the door, you English are more rude, you would enter your vife's room at once. A Frenchman knows his vife not like to be caught perhaps doing von P. I hear von funny sound. I cannot help myself, I look through the keyhole. Sacrel I see Monsieur Johnson there on the bed, top of Madame Julien! I vait. Sacrel I look again. I see Madame Julien top of Monsieur Johnson! At last I shout — you perfide Anglais. Come here; open the door; unlock the door. Sacrel 1 vill have your blood.

    He no open the door. I look again, and that dam rascal Monsieur Johnson he come to the keyhole and pees in my eye!"

    No need to tell the rest of the story. Johnson and Madame Julien no doubt had many a St. George after that. The old boy behaved generously to his unfaithful spouse, but he never saw her again.

    Poor Johnson he is dead now. His life was a short and a merry one. He wrote a letter expressing his regret for his breach 6f hospitality. His flesh was weak, and I think his heart was in the right place though his pego was too often in the wrong hole.

    Ill


    ECCENTRICITY

    A lady advertises herself as an agreeable companion, and gallantly invites any gentleman of honour and liberality to share her society, where she says, he will find himself in a very pleasing and "centrical" situation!


    ADVENTURES AND AMOURS OF A BARMAID A SERIES OF FACTS

    (Continued from page 61)

    London was not speedily reached in those days, and singularly fortunate were the individuals who could gain the metropolis without some little adventure. It was not the lucky fate of our heroine to miss a little affair which served at least to break the monotony of the journey. Soon after the incident related in our last chapter a party of gypsies were encountered, who encamped by the road side, presented a most picturesque appearance. Over sparkling fires pots were hung, and anyone near enough could sniff the fragrant flavour which rose from them, none the less grateful to the olfactory organ because the chickens which were cooking were stolen.

    "Of all things in the world," said Polly, "I have dearly longed to spend a night in a gypsy camp."

    "Don't talk of spending," said her companion; "it brings to my mind too keenly my disappointment. But it is a strange whim of yours, and stranger still that I have for years entertained the same notion. It shall be done! Gypsies are strange people, there may be some fun to be had with them. I don't know about stopping the night. We will at least make their acquaintance."

    It has already been stated that our fair heroine and the barrister were the only occupants of the coach, no other passengers then could be inconvenienced by delay. A present to the coachman and post-boy soon overcame their scruples; their ready wit could easily invent some lie to account for the delay to their masters, and so the matter was quickly arranged; the coach was stopped, and young Capias (for so our barrister was called) and Polly approached the gypsies.

    For a moment the natural timidity of her sex made Polly shrink from the swarthy figures they were approaching, the next moment she was reassured, for a young girl, with eyes black as night, hair dark and glossy as a raven's wing, and a scarlet shawl showing off her lithe figure, approached her.

    "Tell your fortune, fair lady?" said she. "Can the gorjio lady stop to have her fortune read; the gypsy girl will tell truly what the stars foretell."

    "You have just hit it, my girl," said Capias; "tell the lady her fortune. Show us into one of your tents, and as bright a guinea as ever carried King George's head shall be yours."

    Thrusting aside the curtain of a tent, Mildred, the darkeyed girl, led them into the interior. A great fire smouldered in the centre, the air of the tent was warmed and even perfumed by its smoke. A bed of heath and soft moss was in one corner of the tent, and being spread over with a rich scarlet shawl, it looked a couch which a gipsey queen would not disdain to employ as the scene of a sacrifice to Priapus.

    Needless to repeat the pretty phrases which Mildred poured into Polly's willing ears. How she promised her all sorts of good things in the future, and then, with a meaning look at Capias, slipped out of the tent, so taking care that Polly should have a good thing in the present.

    Before many minutes had elapsed the coy lady was spread upon the heath couch, and Capias was duly "entering an appearance" in a court in which he had not practised before; but which, as there was no "bar" to his "pleading," he contrived to make a very sensible impression. His few "motions" were rewarded with a verdict of approval; his "attachment" was pronounced a valid one, and soft caresses, murmured thanks, and close endearments rewarded him for his successful issue into the "court of love."

    It did not take long to remove from their flushed cheeks and disordered dress the evidence of the encounter, and Polly and Capias issued into the open air to meet Mildred and reward her for her considerate attention.

    The sounds of singing and revelry from a large tent well lit next attracted our lawyer's attention, and thereto he went.

    Around a large fire was seated a group which might well have employed the brush of Murillo or Rembrandt. The luscious leer on the faces of the men and women showed how keenly they were enjoying a highly spiced song of one of the company; and the right hand of most of the men, being hid in the folds of the drapery of the women, gave evidence of a desire to practically realize some of the stanzas.

    A bold-looking, bronze-faced youth was singing, and the following verses give a fair example of his song:

    Oh merry it is when the moon is high

    To chase the red, red, dear;

    And merry it is when no keeper's nigh

    To trap and to snare without fear.

    But better I ween is a night with my queen, To lie in the arms of my love;

    And to spend my sighs on those breasts I prize, For a joy all others above.

    Then here's to the thing that each woman doth wear, Though we cover it up with our hand;

    Its forest is hair, but still I swear, 'Tis better than acres of land.

    I've sipped red wine from a golden cup,

    I've handled the guineas bright,

    But a sweeter draught from my Chloe I'll sup, Her eyes give a brighter light.

    Fd sooner taste the nectar sweet,

    That flows from her ripe red.

    Than I'd put to my lip the beaker's tip,

    Though with Burgundy filled to the brim.

    Then while I've a soul I'll go for that hole,

    It gives me the greatest joy;

    My pulses beat with a fevered heat

    Whilst I my jock employ.

    And when I'm dead lay under my head

    A tuft of her fragrant hair,

    In the silent land it will make me stand As if my love were there.

    Then shout and sing for that glorious thing, That each one loves so well;

    Keep me out of my meat, then heaven's no treat, I'd rather have Chloe in hell.

    Capias listened, so did Polly, with mixed feelings to this very irreverent song, but the night was wearing on, and they had some thought of the long journey before them.

    Mildred approached Capias with a smile, and said — "The gorjio gentleman will not stop long in the gypsy's tent. Only let the gentleman be generous, and Mildred will show him and the lady a rare sight."

    Capias was generous, and Mildred quietly led the way to a tent some little distance off.

    "Step lightly," said she. "There are two of our people; they have eaten bread and salt to-day — they are now man and wife. Would you like to see the joys of their wedding night?"

    Of course an affirmative answer was soon given, and Capias and Polly were led to a hole in the canvas wall, and witnessed the following curious scene. (Continued on page 158) A priest who should have read "the devil was a liar from the beginning," read "the devil was a lawyer from the beginning."


    VOLUPTUOUS CONFESSIONS OF A FRENCH LADY OF FASHION

    [Translated from the French.}


    PART I

    The chateau of my grandfather was situated near the city of……….. in a delightful country; the park, shaded by fine scattered trees, mostly splendid oaks, or chestnuts, was of great extent and enclosed by walls. The grounds immediately round the house itself being laid out in splendid parterres of the finest flowers, and watered by a little river which traversed a magnificent piece of water, and was lost in the country by capacious meanderings.

    My old grandmother, mostly confined to the house, never went much further than the beautiful lake. As to myself my greatest happiness was to wander alone in the most uncultivated parts of the demesne, and in the most retired parts of the park indulge in the reveries of my sixteenth year. These reveries, I ought to confess were always of the same nature; a strange feeling invaded my soul, my young imagination revelled in unknown regions, and presented before my eyes images of tenderness and devotion, in which a young man was always the hero; although profoundly ignorant as to the difference of the sexes, my already awakened feelings moved the whole of my organism, a secret fire circulated in my veins; often a dimness came over my eyes, my limbs trembled, and I was obliged to sit down, a prey to a weakness which combined both pleasure and pain.

    It was the month of June, the weather was magnificent, my walks were mostly in the morning when I was sure to be alone.

    We received a letter from Madame T., my aunt, who replying to my grandmother's invitation announced her speedy arrival.

    Madame T. was about twenty-four or twenty-five, and had been married at the age of twenty to an old man who had left her a widow two years since, mistress of a great fortune, and without children. She was a delightful person, her hair black as ebony, contrasted with the whiteness of her complexion, which was lighted up by her beautiful deep blue eyes. Her mouth, small and pleasing, set off by adorable teeth, as white as the purest ivory, an imperceptible black down shaded her upper lip, giving her a peculiar expression, which, however, had nothing hard or masculine about it; her medium figure, perfectly formed and graceful, with hands and feet of fascinating petitesse; she dressed with taste and elegance.

    I loved her very much. Her lively and playful disposition had long captivated me. Accustomed to live with my grandmother, whose age prevented her from affording me any amusement, deprived of companions, I was very happy at the arrival of a relation who would be a friend to me.

    A project of marriage had been spoken of between my aunt and Monsieur B., which my grandmother approving, she wrote at once to him, with an invitation to pass some time at the chateau, and in consequence he arrived a few days after my aunt.

    What I am going to relate now is very delicate and difficult.

    I have hesitated a long time! But after all nobody will read it, I hope so, these lines are for my own perusal. The pictures which I am going to draw are very lively, but they will be true.

    What lovers — real lovers, who in each other's arms have not experienced the same? I will add that, even now I am past kissing, I feel a veritable pleasure in recalling the soft enjoyment.

    One morning very early, according to my custom, I had gone a long way in the park and sat down at the foot of a tree plunged in my usual reveries.

    I saw my aunt, who I thought in bed, some distance off, evidently coming to the little eminence where I was; she was dressed in a fresh peignoir of white and blue.

    Monsieur B. was with her, dressed in a suit of nankin and a straw hat, they seemed to be having a lively conversation.

    I do not know what secret instinct impelled me to avoid their presence; I hid behind a big tree which completely shielded me from their sight.

    They soon arrived at the spot which I had just quitted, and stopping for a moment Monsieur B. looked all around, and convinced that at this hour no one could see them, threw his arms around my aunt, and drawing her to him pressed her to his heart, their lips so joined that I heard a long kiss, which struck to the bottom of my heart.

    "My dear Bertha" (that was the name of my aunt); "my angel; my sweet darling! I love you; I adore you. What a frightful time I have passed without you; but soon it will be over! Stop, that I may embrace you again! Give me your beautiful eyes! your lovely teeth! your divine neck! How I could eat them!" he exclaimed.

    My aunt, far from resisting, gave herself up to him, returned kiss for kiss, caress for caress. Her colour heightened; her eyes sparkled.

    "My Alfred," said she, "I love but you. I am all yours."

    One may judge the effect such caresses had upon me. My temperament lighted up as if struck by an electric spark; I was one moment as if paralysed, and lost almost the use of my senses. I recovered myself, however, promptly, and continued to be all eyes and ears. Monsieur Alfred wanted something which I did not understand, and seemed to insist on it.

    "No, no, my love," replied Bertha. "Oh, no! not here, I pray you; my God, I never dare! If anyone should surprise us, I should die!"

    "My dear, who can see us at this hour?"

    "I don't know; but I'm afraid! Stop, you see I couldn't; I should have no pleasure. We will seek a way of doing it; have patience, I beg."

    "How do you speak of patience in the state I am in! Give me your little hand; feel him yourself!"

    He then took the hand of my aunt, and placed it in such a curious place, that it was impossible for me to understand the cause. But it was worse when I saw this hand disappear in a certain slit, which she had presently unbuttoned, she seized an object which I could not see.

    "Dear Mimi," said she, "I see very well how much you want me. How beautiful you are, and I should like it so. If we had only some retreat, I would soon put you to the proof."

    And her little hand moved softly, to the great apparent pleasure of Monsieur B., who, immovably erect, his leg a little open, seemed most profoundly pleased — a moment of silence.

    "Ah!" suddenly exclaimed my aunt, "what an idea! Come, I recollect, there is near here a pavilion of necessity, you know. It is a curious place for our love, but no one will see us, and I can be all yours, come."

    I must explain that the pavilion of which my aunt spoke was intended for us poor humanity, it was constructed like a thatched cottage, and properly appointed in the interior.

    Protected by some high brambles, I could approach them without fear of being seen. This I did with infinite precautions, and got to the back of the pavilion at the moment when Bertha had already entered, and Monsieur B., after looking all around also came in and drew the bolt. I sought out a convenient peep hole, and soon found one, as the planks and beams were badly joined, sufficiently large to enable me to see everything. I applied my eye, as I held my breath, and was witness of what I am going to relate.

    Bertha, hanging on the neck of Monsieur B., devoured him with kisses.

    "Come," she said, "my darling, I was very unhappy to refuse you, but I was afraid. Here, at least, I am assured. This beautiful Mimi, what pleasure I am going to give him. Hold, I come already in thinking of it! But how shall we place ourselves?"

    "All right; but first let me see again my dear Bibi, it is such a long time I have wanted her."

    You may guess what my thoughts were at this moment. But what were they going to do? I was not left long in suspense.

    Monsieur B., going down on one knee, raised the skirts of Bertha. What charms he exposed! Under that fine cambric chemise were legs worthy of Venus, encased in silk stockings, secured above the knee by garters of the colour of fire; then two adorable thighs, white, round, and firm, which rejoined above, surmounted by a fleece of black and lustrous curls, the abundance and length of which were a great surprise to me, compared above all to the light chestnut moss which commenced to cover the same part in myself.

    "How I love it," said Alfred. "How beautiful and fresh it is! Open yourself a little, my angel, that I may kiss those adorable lips!"

    Bertha did as he demanded; her thighs, in opening, made me see a rosy slit, upon which her lover glued his lips. Bertha seemed in ecstasy! Shutting her eyes, and speaking broken words; making a forward movement in response to this curious caress, which transported her so.

    "Ah, you kill me… encore!.. go on! It's coming… I … I… I'm coming!.. Ah, ah!"

    What was she doing? Good God! I had never supposed that any pleasure pertained to that part. Yet, however, I began to feel myself in the same spot some particular titillations, which made my understand it.

    Alfred got up, supporting Bertha, who appeared to have lost all strength; but she soon recovered herself, and embraced him with ardour.

    "Come, now, let me put him in," she said. "But how are we going to do it?"

    "Turn yourself, my dear, and incline over this unworthy seat; let me do it."

    Then, to my great surprise, Bertha, by rapid and excited movements, herself undid the trousers of Alfred, and lifting his shirt above his navel she exposed to my view such an extraordinary object, that I was almost surprised into a scream. What could be this unknown member, the head of which was so rosy and exalted, its length and thickness giving me a vertigo?

    Bertha evidently did not share my fears, for she took this frightful instrument in her hand, caressed it a moment, and said — "Let us begin, Monsieur Mimi, come into your little companion, and be sure not to go away too soon."

    She lifted up her clothes behind and exposed to the light of day two globes of dazzling whiteness, separated by a crack of which I could only see a slight trace; she then inclined herself, and, placing her hands on the wooden seat, presented her adorable bottom to her lover.

    Alfred just behind her took his enormous instrument in hand, and wetting it with a little saliva commenced to intro120 duce it between the two lips which I had perceived. Bertha did not flinch, and opened as much as possible the part which she presented, which seemed to open itself, and at length absorbed this long and thick machine, which appeared monstrous to me; however, it penetrated so well that it disappeared entirely, and the belly of its happy possessor came to be glued to the buttocks of my aunt.

    There was then a conjunction of combined movements, followed by broken words — "Ah!.. I feel him… He is getting into me," said Bertha. "Push it all well into me… softly… let me come first. Ah!.. I feel it… I'm coming!

    Quicker! I come… stop… there you are! I die… I…

    I… Ah!"

    As to Alfred, his eyes half closed, his hands holding the hips of my aunt, he seemed inexpressibly happy.

    "Hold," said he, "my angel, my all, ah! How fine it is!

    Push well! Do come!.. there; it's coming, is it not! Go on… go on… I feel you're coming… push well, my darling!"

    Both stopped a moment; my aunt appeared exhausted, but did not change her position; at length she lightly turned her head to give her lover a kiss, saying — "Now, both together! You let me know when you are ready."

    The scene recommenced. At the end of some instants, Alfred, in turn, cried out — "Ah!.. I feel it coming… are you ready, my love? Yes… yes… there I am… push, again… go on… I spend… I am yours. I… I… Ah!

    What a pleasure… I… sp-… I spend!"

    A long silence followed; Alfred seemed to have lost his strength, and ready to fall over Bertha, who was obliged to put her arms straight to bear him. Alfred recovered himself, and I again saw that marvellous instrument coming out of the crack, where he had been so well treated. But how changed he was. His size diminished to half, red and damp, and I saw something like a white and viscous pearl come from it and drop to the floor.

    Alfred began to put his clothes in order; during which my aunt, who had got up, put her arms round the neck of her lover, and covered him with kisses.

    What had I been doing during this time? My imagination, excited to the highest degree, made me repeat one part of the pleasures which transported my actors.

    At the critical moment I lifted petticoat and chemise, and my inexperienced hand contented itself by exploring that tender part. I thus assured myself that I was made the same as Bertha, but I knew not yet what use or consolation that hand could give. This very morning was to enlighten me.

    After plenty of kissing, Bertha said to Monsieur B."Listen, my dear, I have been thinking. You know that my apartment is quite isolated; without my fernme de chambre, who sleeps in the ante-room, no one could know of our rendezvous, and we could pass some adorable nights together.

    "Under a pretext of wanting something for my toilette, I will send Julie to Paris to-morrow afternoon, and after the evening we can join each other. Be on the look out, you can give me a sign during the day of the hour when you can slip away to me. I beg you to take the most minute precautions."

    It was then decided that Monsieur B. should go first. He was to take a walk out of the park, and during the time my aunt would regain her room by the private staircase. Monsieur B. went out, and I remained hidden in my brambles till he was sufficiently far off not to have any fear of being perceived by him. Observing that my aunt had not yet come out, I stopped and looked again. There was in the pavilion a chamber pot and wash basin; I saw Bertha fill the latter, lift up her petticoats, and stoop over it. She was placed right in front of me, and nothing could escape my view.

    As she did this her slit opened, it seemed to me a much more lively carnation, the interior and the edges, even up to the fleecy mound which surrounded it, seemed inundated with the same liquour which I had seen come from Monsieur B.

    Bertha commenced an ample ablution, and I was going away from my place as softly as possible when I remained fixed, glued to the spot. The hand of my aunt, refreshed with care all the parts which had been so well worked. All at once I saw her stop still, then a finger fixed upon a little eminence which showed itself prominently; this finger rubbed lightly at first, then with a kind of fury. At length Bertha gave the same symptoms of pleasure which I had often seen before.

    I had seen enough of it! I understood it all! I retired and made haste to take a long tortuous path, which brought me to the chateau. My head was on fire, my bosom palpitated, and my steps tottered, but I was determined at once to play by myself the last act I had seen, and which required no partner.

    I arrived in my room in a state of madness, threw my hat on the floor, shut and double locked the door, and put myself on the bed. I turned up my clothes to the waist, and, recollecting to the minutest details what Bertha had done with her hand, I placed mine between my legs. Some essays were at first fruitless, but I found at length the point I searched for.

    The rest was easy; I had too well observed to deceive myself.

    A delicious sensation seized me; I continued with fury, and soon fell into such an ecstasy that I lost consciousness.

    When I came to myself I was in the same position, my hand all moistened by an unknown dew.

    I sat up quite confused, and it was a long time before I entirely came to myself. It was nearly the hour of dejeuner, so I made haste to dress and went down.

    My aunt was already in the salon with my grandmother. I looked at her on entering; she was beautiful and fresh, her colour in repose, her eyes brilliant, so that one would have sworn she had just risen from an excellent morning's sleep, her toilette, in exquisite and simple taste, set off her charming figure. As to me I cast down my eyes and felt myself blush.

    My grandmother noticed my agitation and told me so. I replied that I had overslept myself, and contrary to habit had not taken my morning walk.

    My aunt embraced me, and talking of one thing and another I recovered myself completely.

    Monsieur B. came soon, and telling us of an excursion to a neighbouring village, we sat down to table.

    I took care, without being seen, to notice everything which passed between Monsieur B. and my aunt. I must acknowledge I was disappointed and greatly surprised. Not a look to show there was anything whatever between them.

    About the middle of the repast my aunt carelessly remarked to my grandmother — "Dear, good mother, I was so forgetful on leaving Paris that I have forgotten several indispensible necessaries. Have I your permission to send my femme de chamhre to-morrow to fetch them? Do not put anyone out.

    I am used to attend to myself, and it will only be a short absence."

    The day passed quietly, Monsieur B. took a long ride on horseback; we went and sat by the piece of water, amusing ourselves by needlework; some neighbours came to visit my grandmother, and she kept them to dinner.

    In the evening we had music, and I sang a duet with my aunt. Although already a good musician, and having a fine voice, I was not equal to my aunt, who gave me some excellent lessons in taste and feeling.

    Monsieur B. played whist with my grandmother, and was completely reserved.

    I retired about eleven o'clock, and impatient to be alone with my thoughts, so I went to bed quickly and dismissed my femme de chambre. I had no doubt that the next evening would be the time for a serious meeting between Monsieur B. and my aunt. I burned to assist at the delicious scenes which would be enacted. I must find out how to be there.

    Knowing all the ways of the house, I thought over the plan of my aunt's apartment. It was situated on the second floor, the same as mine, but at the opposite extremity. A corridor gave communication to all the rooms on this floor; Monsieur B. was also lodged on the same flight, in a turning off the principal corridor.

    My aunt had at her disposition a little room in which a bed was made up for her femme de chambre, a beautiful bedroom and a dressing room. I recollected that this cabinet, which occupied about one-third of the side of the room, used to be contiguous to an alcove, now closed by a strong partition, I also remembered a small hole in the upper part of the alcove, only stopped up by a small and very indifferent oil painting of a pastoral scene.

    A door in an unoccupied room gave access to this kind of dark closet.

    It was on these recollections I arranged my plan, then went to sleep, full of resolution and hope for the following day.

    Mdlle. Julie started for Paris, as it had been arranged.

    Monsieur B. and my aunt were more reserved than ever.

    However, I found out what I wanted to know as the day wore on.

    After dinner Monsieur B. leaned negligently on the mantelpiece, pretending to admire the pendulum of a superb ormolu clock; he placed his finger for a moment on the figure XI, then on the figure VI; it was easy to understand that he intended to say half-past eleven. My aunt responded by a slight movement of her eyes. I knew then all I wanted, it only remained then to make my preparations.

    When we were seated in the garden Monsieur B. offered to read to us, which was accepted.

    I soon slipped away under some pretext, and, sure of being unobserved on the second floor, went to the little door of the dark closet, of which I have spoken. (Continued on page 138) The Lady Hobart, everyone being sat at the table to dinner, and nobody giving a blessing, but gazing one upon another, in expectation of who should be chaplain — "Well," said my Lady, "I think I must say as one did in the like case, 'God be thanked, nobody will say grace.'"


    CHOICE LETTER FROM THE GREEK OF ARISTENETUS

    Philomatia to Eumusus This comes to let you know that we are not so bewitched to music as you imagine, and that the best lute and guitar in the world will make but little progress unless it comes attended with the more powerful harmony of money.

    Why then do you give yourself and me the unnecessary trouble of so many serenades? Why must you employ your hands to show the passion of your heart? Why do you persecute me with your sonnets, and sing under my windows?

    You are old enough, one would think, to know that money atones for all defects with us women, and that beauty and vigour have no merit with us, if they have no gold to recommend them. But you think me an easy, foolish, good-natured creature, who am to be imposed upon by any wheedling stories. You fancied, I suppose, that I never had been initiated into the mysteries of our profession, and that I would immediately surrender to you, upon the first stroke of your violin, and the first touch of your lute; but to undeceive you, know that I was bred up under the most experienced mistress of her time, who formed my tender mind with wholesome precepts, telling me that nothing under the sun was sincere or desirable but money, and teaching me to despise everything but that. Under her instructions, and by her virtuous example, I have profited so much, that I now measure love, not by vain empty compliments, that signify nothing, but by the presents that are made me, and by the almighty rhetoric of gold, which will stand my friend, when a thousand such fluttering weathercocks as you have left me in the lurch.


    EPIGRAMS

    When wedded Nell was brought to bed,

    She scream'd and roar'd with pain;

    She'd rather die a maid, she said,

    Was it to do again.

    Pray have a little patience Nell,

    And say, why this pother?

    Before your marriage you could tell

    What 'twas to be a mother.

    A tax on women to impose, is surely, sir, a sin,

    Why should you try to punish those who never took you in?


  • THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE
  • CHAPTER V
  • CHAPTER VI
  • MEMOIRS OF NELL GWYNN, THE CELEBRATED MISTRESS OF CHARLES II
  • THE KNIGHT OF THE SHOULDER-KNOT AND THE DAME OF GENTLENESS
  • THE HOBGOBLIN
  • EPIGRAM
  • PITTY PAT
  • MY FRENCH FRIEND: A STORY OF MISPLACED CONFIDENCE
  • ECCENTRICITY
  • ADVENTURES AND AMOURS OF A BARMAID A SERIES OF FACTS
  • VOLUPTUOUS CONFESSIONS OF A FRENCH LADY OF FASHION
  • CHOICE LETTER FROM THE GREEK OF ARISTENETUS
  • EPIGRAMS
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