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  • THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE CHAPTER I
  • CHAPTER II
  • CHAPTER III
  • THE DISEMBODIED SPIRIT
  • KISSI-KISSI OR, WHAT I SAW IN A GARRET
  • AN AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY, AND THE HUMOUROUS MISTAKES OF A COUNTRY CORPORATION
  • ECCENTRICITIES
  • NARCISSUS
  • THE WITTY WIFE
  • AN ECCENTRICITY
  • STABLE DUTY; OR THE WANTON WIFE AND FAVOURED GROOM
  • A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED
  • AN ECCENTRICITY
  • CURIOUS DISCOURSE ON THE MEANING, DUTY, AND HAPPINESS OF KISSING
  • THE EFFECT OF FRENCH NOVELS UPON THE TICHBORNE TRIAL; OR "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN"

    Anonymous

    The Boudoir No.1


    THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE

    CHAPTER I

    The Young Man from the Country Charles Warner, the son of a wealthy squire who owned a large estate in the Midlands, had just arrived in town, and taken up his apartments in Gower Street, for the purpose of becoming a medical student, as of course being only a younger son, and the freehold property all entailed, his jolly parent could think of nothing better in which his sharpest boy, as he called Charlie, would be so likely to make his way in the world.

    "Be a good lad, Charlie; stick to your profession, and I'll set you up with ten thousand when you marry a girl with some tin; that's the only thing a younger son can do. Should I die before that it's left you in my will. Your allowance is?300 a year, to be?500 when you come of age; but mind, if you disgrace me or get into debt, I will turn you adrift without a penny, or pay your passage to Australia to get rid of you. My boy," he finally added, a tear in his eye and a slight quiver of the lip, as he said tremulously, "you have always been a favourite; your old dad reckons on you to keep away from the girls and bad companions."

    He was thinking over these last parting words of his father as he sat by the fireside after tea awaiting the call of his two cousins, Harry and Frank Mortimer, who had written to say they would call to take him out, and see how he liked the rooms they had found for him.

    He presently rang the bell to have the table cleared, and a remarkably pretty maid servant answered his summons.

    "And what is your name? As I am going to live in the house and should like to know how to call you. I'm so glad Mrs.

    Letsam has a pretty girl to attend on the lodgers."

    "Fanny, Sir," replied the girl, blushing up to her eyes. "I have to wait on all the gentlemen, and a hard time I have of it running up and down stairs all day long."

    "Well," said Charlie, "I shan't ring for you more than I can help, although it is not at all strange if some of them trouble you so often, if only for the pleasure of seeing a pretty face.

    I suppose it isn't proper here in London to kiss the servants, although I often did at home; the girls were older than me, and had been used to it for a long time."

    "La, no Sir, you mustn't, indeed you mustn't, if Mrs. Letsam knew it she would turn me out of the house in a moment," exclaimed Fanny, in a subdued tone, as if afraid of being heard, as she turned her face away from his unexpected salute.

    "You mean to say you mind a kiss from a boy like me?

    What harm is there?"

    "I–I don't know; I can't say," stammered Fanny. "But it's so different from those old fellows downstairs, who always give me half a crown after, not to tell." Here she blushed tremendously. "I–I didn't mean, Sir, that I want to be paid, but that you are so different than them; they're old and ugly, and you — "

    She could not say any more, for Charlie pressed his lips to her rosy mouth, saying, "Well then, give me a kiss for forgiveness. If you only keep good friends, and look after my small wants, I shall buy you ribbons and little things of that sort, so that you can think of me when you wear them."

    His only answer was a very curious look as she returned his kiss; then slipping away took up her tray and was gone.

    "I'm in luck," soliloquised Charlie. "Dad may lecture me to keep away from the girls. Polly and Sukey at home didn't kiss me for nothing; the sight of this pretty Fanny and the thoughts of last night when they had me between them for the last time, makes me feel quite so-so. In fact that girl has given me the Irish toothache; it was all very well for dear old dad to caution me, but they say like breeds like, and I know he got a girl with twins before he was eighteen, and had to be sent away from home to get out of the scrape/'

    Here there was a tap at the door of his room.

    "Come in, my boys; I know who it must be," shouted Charlie, expecting his cousins, but to his surprise Mdlle.

    Fanny re-enters.

    'If you please, Sir, there's two young gentlemen for Mr. Warner, they have sent up their card."

    "Where is it, Fanny?" asked Charlie, holding out his hand for the bit of pasteboard.

    "Well, I am pleased, they've come early," he said, catching her by the wrist, "and especially as it gives me the chance of another kiss!"

    "For shame, Sir; you'll keep them waiting in the hall," as she struggled to get away from his encircling arm.

    "Just a moment, Fanny, I want to say to you they are my cousins, who will often come here, and are much better looking than me, so don't you make me jealous by taking any notice of either of them. Now, ask them up, quick, please; then run for a bottle of fizz, and keep the change for yourself," he said, handing her a sovereign. "We must wet the apartments the first time they call."

    It is not necessary to refer to all the greetings and enquiries of the cousins when they first met; but presently, when the champagne was opened, Harry and Frank asked if Charlie was too tired to go out for the evening, saying, "You need not come back here to sleep, but turn in with us, as you know the governor will be so pleased to see you at breakfast in the morning. We know three jolly sisters ¦-little milliners — who work in Oxford Street, such spooney girls, and as three to two is sometimes awkward you will just make the party complete; they live in Store Street, close by, and if we call about nine o'clock they will be expecting us, and glad to see you; it is awfully jolly, and not too expensive, we only have to stand supper. The girls think too much of themselves to take money, although nothing else comes amiss from jewellery to dresses. Nothing coarse, no bad language, and they only permit liberties when the gas is turned out."

    "I'm with you," replied their cousin; "and what do you think of the little servant here?"

    "Charlie, you ought to be in luck there," answered Harry,

    "it's so convenient to have a nice little servant to sleep with sometimes, or now and then to let off the steam with her on the sofa, it keeps you from going out too much. My advice, Charlie, is not to live too fast, save your money for a good spree — say every ten days or so. Your racketty ones don't get on half so well with their governors, who are always grumbling. Now our dad thinks us quite good, never out after half-past eleven or so; but we make up for it with the servants at home, and keep the housekeeper square, by taking turns to poke her on the sly. She once caught us both in the girls' bedroom, but we went into hers to beg her not to tell, and what with kissing and telling her what a fine figure she was (she was half undressed when she came to see after the servants) that we took first one little liberty then another, till seeing she was on the job I ran out and left Frank to roll her on the bed, which he must have done to some purpose, for she kept him all night."

    "Ah, Charlie, I never thought a woman of fifty could be so good at the game; how she threw her legs over my buttocks, and heaved up to meet every push of John Thomas; she was a perfect sea of lubricity, and drained me dry enough before morning," added Frank, in corroboration of his brother's assertion. "You must try her for yourself, a fair lad will be a treat to her after us two dark fellows, and there's no fear of having to pay for kids with her, as she is past the time of life, but I believe all really warm-constitutioned women get hotter the older they are. We use French letters for safety with the slaveys, or we should soon do their business, they want so much of it when we get in their room, or they slip into ours for a drop of brandy and a 'bit of that,' as they call it; there's nothing like good brandy to put you up to the work, but never drink gin, my boy, or your affair won't stand for some hours, it has such a lowering effect."

    A couple of hours of similar conversation soon slipped away, and then going round to Store Street Charlie was introduced to the sirens his cousins had spoken of.


    CHAPTER II

    Three Pretty Milliners "My cousin, Charlie Warner, just from the country to become a medical student. Miss Bessie, Annie, and Rosa Robinson, three as pretty and lovely little milliners as you ever saw or will see again," said Harry, making the introduction as they entered.

    The brothers kissed all three girls, and as it seemed the correct thing Charlie was not slow to follow their example, beginning with Rosa, the youngest, a fair, golden-haired, little beauty of seventeen; then Annie, with her light brown hair and hazel eyes, and finishing with Miss Bessie, a twentyyear-old darling, with dark auburn hair, and such a pair of glancing eyes as would almost ravish the soul of any softhearted youth who had not a stronger mind than our young hero, who looked on all girls as playthings rather than as being worthy of serious love.

    "What a pretty supper the confectioners have sent in for you — fowls, tongue, and champagne — it made us rather expect something unusual, and we are so pleased to see Mr.

    Warner; besides you know there is no jealousy here, and his fair face is a delightful contrast to you two rather dark gentlemen," said Annie, adding, "and you, Frank, are my partner for the evening, as Harry was my cavalier last time; and I'm so glad there's Mr. Warner for Rosa, although Bessie and I shall feel rather jealous about it, we can wait for our turns another day."

    "This is the jolliest place I know of," said Harry, handing Bessie to her seat at the table; "everything ready to hand, and nothing cleared away till we are gone; no flunkeys or parlourmaids to wait on us or listen to every word, and we can do as we like."

    "Not exactly, Sir," put in Annie, "even when the light is out you must behave yourselves."

    "We have a little longer this evening for our dark seance," said Frank; "we are taking Charlie to the theatre, and to Scott's for supper, so they don't expect us till half past

    twelve or so, and the housekeeper will sit up for her reward, won't she, Harry?"

    "What's that," pouted Rosa, giving a sly look; "oh, those two boys are dreadful, just as if they would want any more of 'that' when they got home."

    "Oh, she never tells tales, so we kiss her," answered Frank.

    "Tell that to your grandmother. As if you could kiss without taking other liberties, Sir," said Annie.

    This kind of badinage lasted all supper time, but Charlie pledged the sisters one after the other so as not to show any marked preference, still at the same time in a quiet sort of way he tried all he could to make himself particularly agreeable to Rosa, who evidently was rather taken with him.

    "It's so nice to have you to myself," she said archly, as the supper had come to an end, "but mind you are not too naughty when they turn out the gas."

    Something in her deep blue eyes and look so fired his feelings that taking her unresisting hand under the table he placed it on his thigh, just over the most sensitive member of the male organisation, and was at once rewarded by the gentle pressures of her fingers, which assured him she quite understood the delicate attention. The others were too absorbed in some similar manipulation to notice Charlie and Rosa, as he adroitly unfastened about three buttons of his trousers, and directing her hand to the place, and presently felt she had quite grasped the naked truth, which fluttered under the delicious fingering in such a way that very few motions of her delicate hand brought on such an ecstatic flood of bliss as quite to astonish Miss Rosa, and necessitate the sly application of a mouchoir to her slimy fingers, as at the same time she crimsoned to the roots of her hair, and looked quite confused, whilst he could feel that a perceptible tremor shot through her whole frame. Fortunately just at that moment Bessie turned off the gas, and instinctively the lips of Charlie and Rosa met in a long impassioned kiss.

    Tongue to tongue they revelled in a blissful osculation.

    He could hear a slight shuffling, and one or two deepdrawn sighs, as if the ladies felt rather agitated.

    There was a convenient sofa in a recess just behind Charlie's chair, and Rosa seemed to understand him so well that he effected a strategic movement to the more commodious seat under cover of the darkness. There he had the delightful girl close to his side, with his right arm round her waist, whilst his left hand found no resistance in its voyage of discovery under her clothes. What mossy treasures his fingers searched out, whilst for her part one arm was round his neck, and the warm touches of her right hand amply repaid his Cytherian investigations in the regions of bliss. His fiery kisses roved from her lips all over her face and neck, till by a little manoeuvring he managed to take possession of the heaving globes of her bosom. How she shuddered with ecstasy as his lips drew in one of her nipples, and gently sucked the delicious morsel; a very few moments of this exciting dalliance was too much for her. She sank back on the couch, so that he naturally took his proper position, and in almost less time than it takes to write it, the last act of love was an accomplished fact.

    Then followed delicious kissings and toyings; no part of her person was neglected, and when, as a finale, she surrendered the moist, dewy lips of the grotto of love itself to his warm tonguings, the excess of voluptuous emotion so overcame her that she almost screamed with delight, when the crisis came again and again in that rapid succession only possible with girls of her age.

    They had been too well occupied to hear or notice anything about Bessie and Annie with their partners, but now an almost perfect silence prevailed in the apartment, till presently Harry spoke out, saying, "I think the spirits have had long enough to amuse themselves; what do you say to a light?"

    This was agreed to, and they spent another half hour with the ladies before taking leave of them for the night. It was as curious a feast of love as Charlie could possibly have imagined, and he was quite puzzled to make out what manner of girls these three sisters could be who bashfully objected to a light on their actions, and yet were as free with their partners as any of the mercenary members of the demimonde could have been.

    "What a darling you are!" whispered Rosa to Charlie as he took a parting kiss, "but I shan't have you next time unless there is an undress romp in the dark."

    Bessie pressed them to come to an early tea on Sunday, and have a long evening, when they would arrange some pretty game to amuse them. This was agreed to with many sweet kisses and au revolt, Sec.


    CHAPTER III

    Mrs. Lovejoy and the Servants in Bloomsbury Square It was nearly one a.m. when the boys got home to the Mortimer mansion in Bloomsbury Square.

    "How late you are," said Mrs. Lovejoy, the housekeeper, opening the door to them, "and you have brought Master Charlie with you. I'm so glad to see him; your father has gone to bed hours ago, and I thought you would like a second course after your oyster supper at Scott's, so there's a little spread in my own room upstairs, only we mustn't keep it up too late."

    "You're a brick," said Harry, "we'll go upstairs so quietly past dad's door, and kiss you when we see what you have got for us/'

    Mr. Mortimer pere being a rather stout gentleman, who objected to many stairs, had his bedroom on the first floor;

    Harry and Frank's room was on the next flight, where their sisters also had their rooms when at home from school; the two servants and Mrs. Lovejoy located above them.

    "There's my kiss," said Frank, as on entering Mrs. Lovejoy's cosy room he saw a game pie and bottle of Burgundy set out for their refreshment.

    Harry and Charlie also in turn embraced the amorous housekeeper, who fairly shivered with emotion as she met the luscious kiss of the latter.

    "He's only going to stay this one night, so it's no good taking a fancy to my cousin; besides, can't you be content with Frank and myself?" whispered Harry to her.

    "But you are such unfaithful boys, and prefer Mary Anne or Maria to me at any time," she replied, pettishly.

    "Yes, and Charlie is no better; he hasn't been in London one whole day yet without making up to the pretty Fanny at his lodgings; oh, she's a regular little fizzer, Mrs. Lovejoy."

    The second supper was soon discussed, and Mrs. Lovejoy had placed hot water and spirits on the table just for them to take a night-cap as she called it, when there was a gentle tap at the room door, and a suppressed titter outside.

    Harry, guessing who it was, called out "come in," when the two servant girls with broad grins on their faces walked into the room, only half dressed- in petticoats, stockings, and slippers, with necks and bosoms bare.

    On perceiving Charlie they blushed scarlet, but Mary Anne, a regular bouncing brunette, immediately recovered her presence of mind, and said, "We beg your pardon, Mrs.

    Lovejoy, but we thought only Master Harry and his brother were here, and felt so thirsty we couldn't sleep, so ventured to beg a little something to cool our throats."

    "Well make a party of it now," said Frank; "this is only our cousin Charlie, so don't be bashful but come in and shut the door."

    "Gentlemen don't generally admit ladies, especially when only half dressed, as we are," said Maria, a very pretty and finely developed young woman, with light brown hair, rosy cheeks, and such a pair of deep blue eyes, full of mischief, as they looked one through.

    "No, but ladies admit gentlemen," put in Charlie; "don't mind me," getting up from his chair and drawing the last speaker onto his lap. "I guess we're in for some fun now."

    The housekeeper looked awfully annoyed at this intrusion, but Harry laughingly kissed her, and whispered something which seemed to have a soothing effect, as she at once offered the two girls some lemonade and brandy. Hers was a very comfortable apartment, being furnished the same as a bachelor's bed and sitting room combined; the bed was in a recess, and there were two easy chairs besides a sofa, table, amp;c, in the room.

    Harry secured the sofa, where he sat with Mrs. Lovejoy on his lap, and one of his hands inside the bosom of her dressing gown, whilst her hands, at least one of them, were

    God knows where, and very evidently gave him considerable pleasure3 to judge by the sparkle of his eyes, and the way he caressed her, as well as the frequent kisses they interchanged.

    Charlie was admiring and playing with the bosom of Maria, who kissed him warmly every now and then, giving the most unequivocal signs of her rising desires for closer acquaintance.

    "We shall never be fit to get up in the morning if you keep us out of bed; let the girls go now," said Mrs. Lovejoy.

    Each said "good night," and Harry, having something to say to the housekeeper, stayed behind. Frank and Mary Anne quickly vanished in the gloom of the outside corridor, and Charlie, at a loss where he was to sleep, asked Maria to show him to his room.

    "You'll sleep with me, dear, if you can, and I won't keep you awake," she whispered, giving him a most luscious kiss; then taking his hand she led him into a very clean but plainly furnished bedroom.

    "Mary Anne won't be back tonight, so you shall be my bedfellow. I guess by this time Master Frank is being let into all her secrets," saying which she extinguished the candle, which had been left burning, and jumped into bed, Charlie following as quickly as he could get his things off.

    "I've got a syringe, so I'm not afraid, although Harry and Frank will always put on those French letters. Do you think they're nice?" asked Maria, as she threw her arms around him, and drew him close to her palpitating bosom.

    "Never used such a thing in my life," replied Charlie, "for my part anything of that sort spoils all the fun."

    "Do you know," continued Maria, "Mary Anne and I lay thinking, talking, and cuddling one another, in fact we were so excited she proposed a game of what girls call flat c — , when we heard Mrs. Lovejoy take you to her room, and we made up our minds she should not have both Harry and Frank to herself, never thinking there was anyone else; and to think I have got such a darling as you!" (Continued on page 45)


    THE DISEMBODIED SPIRIT

    I next found myself incarcerated in a beautifully fashioned sofa or couch, carved, ornamented, and made in the very extreme of oriental luxuriance; I was placed in a room in every respect worthy of my grandeur, and was meditating as to who was the occupant of this lovely retreat when the door opened, and a young Syrian girl entered. She was beautiful as an earthly Venus, with eyes large, dark, and dreamily voluptuous, in whose depths love had evidently as yet found no place. She was clothed in some sort of light, flimsy garment, showing the charming curves and undulations of her lovely form. She placed herself upon me, and gave herself up to her thoughts; these could not, I imagined, be of love, for she was evidently not yet fourteen, although (like all women of our sunny shores) fully developed.

    After some time the noonday heat seemed to make her languid and drowsy. She disposed herself upon my luxurious cushions, and was soon asleep. Although but a spirit without tangible form, I had retained all the passions and feelings I possessed during life, so that the aspect and appearance of my lovely occupant gave rise to certain thoughts and feelings prompted by her beauty. I disposed of myself in the best position to see the still concealed beauties of my earthly mistress. For this purpose I first placed myself near the corner of the couch where her head reclined; here I could inhale the sweets of her delicious breath, and here I could also catch glimpses of part of her lovely breasts, as they rose and fell in the calm undulations of innocent sleep, rendered more and more excited by the partial view thus obtained, I longed for a more complete sight of these rounded globes; and whether it was that Minos took pity on my tantalizing position, or whether it was the result of mere accident, certain it is that she suddenly awoke, and, seeming to be oppressed with the heat, sat up and, quickly opening her robe down to the waist, fell back again upon me and slept.

    Ye Gods! what a maddening sight now met my enamoured eyes as they feasted with insatiable delight upon the sea of beauties thus given to my view. Her rounded, softly moulded chin gradually merging into the white column of her neck, the last gradually swelling until it ended in two round, swelling breasts parted between, and crowned each with a delicious pink bud, their very colour (a dusky brown) but added to my delight. What tides of ecstasy thrilled through my maddened spirit as I wandered unrestrained over their soft expanse, as they swelled to meet my frantic pressure, unfelt, of course, by her.

    I prayed in a delirium that through some mysterious power she should feel my presence and respond to my efforts, as I fastened upon her lovely mouth, and sucked in her fragrant breath; as if in answer to my prayer her face suddenly flushed, and her breasts began to heave with innocent dreams (as I thought) of till then unknown bliss. With what joy I saw her whole form as it were dissolve in ecstasy. Her sleepy efforts to respond to my fond pressures had somewhat disordered her dress, and I now perceived it had fallen from her limbs. I immediately flew to the other end of the couch, and if I was excited before what must now have been my feelings when I saw her most secret beauties revealed in all their maddening luxuriance; her legs had opened wide, and as I gazed my eyes dwelt on each softly rounded limb from tapered ankle to glowing thigh; her hand, meantime prompted perhaps by some incident of her dream, wandered down till it rested between her quivering thighs, and unconsciously played with the short, silky, curling hair that covered that lovely spot. Excited or tittled with this unusual occupation, a pair of scarlet pouting lips opened, whilst the soft mound above thrilled as if longing for some unknown pleasure. At last she seemed to have reached the bliss she dreamt of. Her whole body heaved upwards as if to meet some responding pressure, whilst her breasts rose high and panted with the exquisite ecstasy of love's enjoyment. At last, unable to bear the unusual pleasure, she awoke, her cheeks flushing, and her eyes half closed in languor, still disordered with the effect of her dream.

    After some moments she arose, and going to the door it was opened and a young Greek of about her own age entered. He was of faultless beauty of face and form. She flew to me again and arranged her disordered dress, whilst he, with eyes cast down, approached her with a humble apology for this intrusion. She angrily reproached him for the outrage upon her modesty, whilst Daphnis, with the deepest respect remonstrated with her for thus treating her betrothed husband with so much harshness. Somewhat softened with his respectful behaviour she relented, and, upon his promising to take no advantage of her undefended position, consented to his remaining. Overjoyed at her unusual and unexpected compliance, he immediately forgot all his former bashfulness, and throwing his arms around her snatched a kiss; this seemed to remind her of her dream.

    Her eyes again began to show a soft and melting languor, and although she apparently resisted his kisses, nevertheless she wished him to persist, at least she consented so far as to put one arm coyly round his neck, and now returned his kisses with responsive ardour, her feelings getting more and more beyond her control. Daphnis, seeing her bosom swelling with the excitement of his fond pressures, whispered softly a wish to see that lovely retreat of joys. To this she returned an indignant denial, but when her lover explained how innocent was his wish, that the married ladies of Resai exposed more than half their breasts to the ga2e of strangers in the open day, why should she refuse her lover so small a boon? At this she seemed to be somewhat moved by his persistence, and hid her burning face on his breast.

    "Well, since you desire it so much, if I show you as much as they show, will you be satisfied and claim no more?"

    Overjoyed, and eager to behold what he had so often pictured to his glowing imagination, he returned an affirmative.

    The lovely girl, blushing a rosy red, pulled down her dress until half of each glowing breast was exposed to his enamoured view. Maddened at the sight he embraced her form with frantic eagerness, and kissed them again and again, till, prompted by his unruly desires, his hand suddenly plunged between the panting mounds of pleasure, and took posses13 sion notwithstanding her resistance, faint though it was; for that unlucky dream in which she in her vivid imagination had already experienced, all this rendered her nearly helpless in his arms- both her arms were now joined round his neck, and lost in the mazes of her warm imagination she allowed his hand to rove unrestrained all over her lovely neck and breasts whilst it now and then wandered to her waist and softly rounded belly (fear or ignorance kept him from encroaching further), her mouth half open like a ripe pomegranate, returned his burning kisses whilst her tongue darted between his lips. In a moment of forgetfulness she told him that she had in a dream admitted him to even greater liberties than these. This seemed to excite his curiosity, and he asked her what had happened. She said he had obtained much more than she would ever grant in her waking moments.

    "What," said Daphnis; "were we in bed together and undressed?"

    She blushingly admitted that they were. He asked if her feelings were the same as they now were. She said, between hesitation and blushes, that his hands had wandered all over her body, and that she seemed to be quite unable to prevent him, that just before she awoke she had felt certain pleasurable sensations it would be quite impossible to describe. His curiosity and desires still more powerfully aroused at this description of the artless girl, Daphnis asked if the sensation she had experienced was nice? This seemed to excite her more and more, nearly fainting at the very recollection, she exclaimed: "It was like nothing earthly!"

    Eager to know all about this mysterious transaction, he desired to know what they could have done to cause all this, but some feeling of maiden modesty prompted her to withhold this.

    Daphnis5 desires had now reached a height entirely beyond his control; and indeed, she seemed to be in almost a like condition. They had accidentally slipped back on me till they lay stretched face to face; their bodies pressed together in frantic embraces; their limbs disordered. After some time spent in these efforts, unable to obtain the enjoyment of he knew not what, and, perhaps, prompted by instinct, he threw himself on her, clasped his arms around her waist whilst hers embraced his neck. Daphnis pressed closer and closer amidst humid kisses and soft murmuring, as if he wished to incorporate their bodies into one.

    Whether by accident, or remembering the movements of her dream, her limbs by degrees opened to admit his body, twining convulsively round his loins. Nearly fainting with the unaccustomed ecstasy of their still raging, unappeased desires, they heaved and pressed frantically against each other with but now a slight garment between them. She could feel something pressing against the lovely spot between her thighs, as if it would force its imperious way despite all impediments, and with mutual longing it pouted wide at each aggression, as if it longed to admit the dear invader, At last, exhausted with these tantalizing and ineffectual joys, they desisted for a moment, whilst Daphnis whispered,

    "Was this like your dream?"

    The lovely maid replied, "Not quite!"

    "Why?" he asked.

    "We were naked!"

    This was just what he wished for, but had been too much afraid to ask. Rising, he quickly divested himself of his garments, and entreated her to follow his example; but modesty and shame struggled against her wishes, and, at last impatient of delay, he threw himself on her, and tearing forcibly her dress, the lovely maid's naked charms were exposed to his unrestricted view.

    All thought of modesty or maiden diffidence was now completely overwhelmed and forgotten amidst the maddening thoughts of her unappeased desires. She sank on me, her eyes half closed with love, her breasts panting high, as if willing to be pressed, her legs thrown apart, impatient to clasp his body. Unable to bear the sight he sank into her arms, and lay for some time exhausted with the very fury of his longings.

    She seemed disappointed and impatient at this delay, and pressing a burning kiss on his mouth, clasped him closer, whilst she whispered: "This was not all!"

    Awakened from his trance at this fond invitation, he prepared to consummate their mutual bliss. She with trembling eagerness aided his awkward efforts.

    The invader now enters the open gates of his longing mate, and presses onward- not without pain to both. Her breasts panted and heaved upwards against his chest, as each eager thrust sent a thrill of heavenly delight through her frame; her thighs quivered and clasped around him, whilst she seemed to dissolve in an agony of enjoyment. Now wriggling with her hands clasped round his loins, all at once they suddenly struggled more fiercely, clasped tighter and tighter, till with one humid kiss they sank fainting into each other's arms.


    KISSI-KISSI OR, WHAT I SAW IN A GARRET

    As on a warm and genial day,

    Upon my bedroom couch I lay,

    My thoughts, for I was dreaming half,

    Were broken by a silvery laugh,

    Which fell upon my startled ear,

    Loud, distinct, and very near;

    I rose, and followed up the sound,

    When very soon a hole I found,

    To which I clapp'd my prying eye,

    To see if there I aught could spy,

    And was rewarded by a sight Which thrilled and filled me with delight;

    And which, if you'll peruse me through,

    Dear reader, I'll relate to you.

    A youth and maid were in the room,

    And both in youth and beauty's bloom;

    She seemed in age but just fifteen,

    Whilst he three summers more had seen;

    And by the way they kissed and squeezed

    Seemed with each other highly pleased;

    And that maid, my wayward muse,

    Could scarce a fitter subject choose.

    Their dress was very scant, for she

    Was simply robed in a chemise,

    Whilst the fair youth did also lack

    All but one garment on his back;

    But when his free hand wandered o'er

    The charms which 'neath her dress she wore,

    He got quite warm, and bade her lift

    Up to her slender waist her shift;

    Which soon she did, and there displayed

    The finest limbs that ever maid

    To lover's kindling eye presented,

    But he, alas! was not contented.

    And then he bade her throw aside

    The garb which did her beauty hide,

    And she, responsive to the call,

    Soon let the inodorous garment fail,

    And stood like fairest statue she

    That mortal eyes did ever see;

    Who now with unveiled nakedness,

    Stood forth in radiant loveliness.

    There was the pure and snowy skin,

    Revealing currents warm within;

    The graceful peak where beauty sits,

    The swelling globes, the panting teats,

    The fair abdomen, and the loins,

    Where each fair thigh its fellow joins.

    He saw all these, but fixed his eyes

    Most on the spot where, 'twixt the thighs,

    The rosy entrance to her heart

    Lay like a rosebud rent apart;

    For it, unlike to older girls,

    Was yet unhid by clustering curls -

    Save such a down as one might find

    Upon a peach's luscious rind;

    But still its coral lips displayed,

    Undimmed by such a clustering shade;

    A tempting thing! yet which to name,

    Your Julia fair says, "Oh, for shame!"

    But to my tale; the youth we left

    Still gazing on the rosy cleft.

    He placed his garment on a chair,

    And stood as naked as the fair;

    Then with one arm around her twined,

    He felt each part, before, behind,

    And let his roving fingers glide

    O'er her plump breast and smooth backside.

    Nor was she idle, for her hand

    Held something that she scarcely spann'd;

    And as it rose she took the part

    Which oft had nearly touched her heart;

    But ere her grasp she did resign,

    She placed it in Love's panting shrine,

    In which, her feebleness unbent,

    The uncapp'd pilgrim nobly went -

    Though at the rosy gate he lingers,

    Detain'd by her encircling fingers;

    Then, by a motion known to wives,

    Deep in the orifice he dives;

    And as the luscious goal he nears,

    With one quick movement disappears.

    She hugs the owner, kisses, squeezes,

    Her actions telling how it pleases;

    Till with one convulsive throe,

    She feels her lover's lava flow;

    And on her back supinely laid,

    This to her panting lover said -

    "Oh, love, I'm gone, spent, tired, done,

    And never had a better one!

    Not even when you first did steal

    Your hand beneath my shift to feel.

    Then I felt yours, and, to my surprise,

    Encountered a thing of such a size,

    That I was frightened at its look

    Ere it in my hand I took;

    And when at last upon this bed

    You gently took my maidenhead,

    With all its length beneath my belt,

    No more of girlish fears I felt."

    And thus they did their friendship seal,

    In such a way as I do tell

    Just then I heard a voice below,

    And ne'er did voice displease me so;

    Twas my cousin who thus called to me,

    "Harry dear, come down to tea!"

    I left the crevice with a frown,

    And sulkily to my tea went down.


    AN AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY, AND THE HUMOUROUS MISTAKES OF A COUNTRY CORPORATION

    During the last century an ambassador from Persia was received in France, which was a circumstance entirely new.

    A splendid embassy from any power so distant as that never occurred before.

    The Persian ambassador first mentioned knew nothing of the French language, and in consequence made a number of mistakes, the cause of much diversion; as, on coming to Paris, he was offered the use of the king's coach, but refused it, under the idea that he did not choose to be shut up in a box; and he was, besides this, of so fiery a temper, and had so high an opinion of his dignity, that he would often clap his hand to this sabre, and threaten punishment where the least offence was by no means intended.

    In a country so polite as that of France, it is not to be supposed but that he met with all the indulgence that could be expected by a person ignorant of their manners. Occasions for these considerations were not few; for one time, as some ladies of the first quality came to see his mode of eating, which was to sit cross-legged upon a carpet upon the ground, he ordered his people to detain them for the purpose of gratifying his amorous inclinations, and seemed much chagrined at being told that in France it was to no purpose to throw the handkerchief to such as did not choose to take it up. Our readers hardly need be told that throwing the handkerchief in the East is the signal to the lady to whom it is directed, indicating that she must immediately attend the privacy of her lord, or the Sultan.

    But, to return, Mehemet Rezeh Beg, having refused to make his entry into Paris in a coach, rode on horseback.

    Here he appeared like one of the heroes of ancient Xerxes.

    His physiognomy was of the first craft for dignity, and his black eyes seemed vivacity itself without the least tincture of levity, which too often accompanies it.

    His turban, corresponding with the other parts of his dress, glittered with jewels; but these were in a great measure obscured when he received an audience of the French King, by the brilliancy of the court. His Majesty had on a velvet habit entirely covered with diamonds, and with all the appendages of royalty sat upon a throne elevated for the purpose of displaying his magnificence to the greater advantage; the dauphin, it is to be observed, sat near His Majesty; the Duke of Orleans on the other side, and the princes of the blood according to their different ranks; while the princesses appeared upon an amphitheatre upon the right and left, arrayed in a manner so rich and brilliant, as no doubt to form one of the first spectacles in the world. The ambassador and his suite had now to pass through a lane of courtiers hardly less showy, and, though he was received in the most gracious manner imaginable, he insisted upon kissing the dauphin, and with his sabre in his hand effected it by main force; and though His Majesty every day sent him three sheep, a lamb, forty pounds of rice, butter, milk, amp;c. he ate nothing that was not prepared by his own servants.

    But the cream of his proceedings was in the reception he met with in Provence, previous to his arrival at Paris. The corporation of one of the principal towns there, hearing that a deputation had been sent from Marseilles to congratulate him on his entry into that place, were resolved to imitate them, but what to do for an orator to express their sentiments in the Persian language, they knew not. However, after a strenuous search, they found a sailor who had been a long time at Bassora, and, in fine, was just such a person as they wanted.

    An oration being drawn up was soon got by heart, and translated by the new spokesman, who, being habited for the purpose, was put at the head of the corporation to address the ambassador on his entrance into the town. But in the delivery of this address, his excellence proved his misfortune; for his language appeared so perfect to the ambassador, that he could suppose him no other than some renegade disciple of Mahomet, a description which ail true believers hold in the utmost contempt, and never fail to chastise to the farthest extent of their abilities.

    Under this view, instead of the gracious answer expected by the orator, the ambassador began to upbraid him in the most opprobrious terms: "Wretch!" said he, drawing his cymitar, "confess the truth, or thou this instant losest thy head! Art thou not an apostate from the true faith of the circumcised?"

    Not expert enough to give a direct answer to a charge of this kind, the orator used every gesticulation that fear could suggest to appease the other; and as he had previously instructed the corporation to imitate him in ail the compliments he made use of, the rage of the Persian was for some time diverted in seeing the positions of the other scrupulously followed by his attendants, though it was evident to him that in the principal they were entirely directed by the danger which he apprehended from the cymitar which the enraged Persian was waving over the head of the culprit.

    This humorous equivoque endured for several minutes; but, as necessity is the mother of invention, it occurred to the trembling orator that nothing could convince the Persian that he was no apostate so much as ocular demonstration, as this would infallibly prove to him that he had not been circumcised. Accordingly, unbuttoning his doublet, he instantly produced his water conveyance! — a proof convincing enough.

    But this was not all; the corporation, fearing the danger that threatened them, immediately did the same! A spectacle of this nature may more easily be imagined than described — for to have seen a number of grave magistrates and others in a situation this ludicrous, could only be done justice to by the hand of a Hogarth. It is sufficient to say that the reproach occasioned by this circumstance has become perpetual upon the place, insomuch that it is now proverbial in that part of France, to say that "If you ask a Provencal a question which he cannot answer, he will immediately show you his prick."


    ECCENTRICITIES

    An old woman in Yorkshire, coming from the hayfield astride on horseback, was met by a young man on the road, who says to her, "What, Betty, got on astride?" "Ay, my lad," replies she, "it makes na matter, its as broad as its long!"

    The daughter of Pythagoras used to say that the woman who goes to bed with a man must put off her modesty with her petticoat, and put it on again with the same.

    Mr. Senior, a painter of York, imitated the crowing of a cock so well that a lady thus addressed him: "Mr. S., you crow so like a cock that one would think you was got by one."

    "Madam," says he, "what do you think I was got by?"

    Benserade had often rallied a friend for his impotency.

    After some absence, his friend meeting him said, "There is an end of your raillery now, my wife brought forth a boy this morning." "Oh, Sir," said the poet, "I never doubted the ability of your wife."

    It chanced, during the rapturous embraces of a wedding night, the bride unfortunately broke wind, upon which, says the ignorant husband, "Rot me, if this ain't too bad, for a bran' new utensil to crack the first time of using."

    A wife, in bed with her husband, pretended to be ill at ease, and desired to lie on her husband's side; the good man, to please her, passed over her, not, however, without being somewhat detained in the transit. She had not lain long before she wished to lie in her old place again, and urging her husband to repass the road he came, "I had rather," said he to her, "go a mile and a half about."

    A simple-minded country wench, in Worcestershire, I think, was lately driving a cow to be bulled, when, lo, the bull was gone astray, or absent at least. Upon this the poor girl took mightily on, and at length fell a crying, when a person who was near asked why she cried, since the bull was sure to be found again. "Aye," says the girl, "but then it may be all over with the cow — for that they are not like us Christians."

    A young lady was taking an air on horseback near Bristol with her footman behind. Unluckily her horse threw her.

    When she called out, "John, did you ever see the like?"

    "Yes, madam," says John, "your sister has just such another backside."

    Miss — , the celebrated Diana, one day fell topsy turvy in a fox chase, when a countryman immediately flew to her assistance; she asked him if he was married; he replied he was single, on which she said if he had been a married man she would have given him a crown, but as he was a bachelor, the treat was quite sufficient.

    At a dinner of one of the late sessions at the Old Bailey, the Recorder, who presides there, and whose urbanity is not a little distinguishable, was pressing Judge Gould to eat some jellies, which came from Birch, the pastrycook, of CornhilL "That may be, Mr. Recorder," said Judge Gould, "but though I am much obliged to you, I don't stand in need of birch and jellies yet."


    NARCISSUS

    As I was walking I cannot tell how,

    Nor I cannot tell whither or where,

    I met with a crew of I cannot tell who,

    Nor I cannot tell what they were,

    But virgins I think — for they cried,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

    They sung a fine song of I cannot tell what,

    Nor whether in verse or in prose,

    Nor knew I the meaning, although they all sat,

    Even as it were under my nose;

    But ever and anon they cried,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

    There came in a lad, but I cannot tell whence,

    With I cannot tell what in his hand, It was a live thing that had little sense,

    And yet it could lustily stand;

    Then louder the ladies they cried,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

    Some shak'd it, some strok'd it, some kiss'd it, 'tis said It looked so lovely indeed;

    All hugg'd it as honey, and none were afraid,

    Because of their bodily need — And louder the ladies they cried,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

    At length he did put in this pretty fine toy,

    In I cannot tell where, below;

    Into one of the ladies, but I cannot tell why,

    Nor wherefore it should be so -

    But in the mean time they all cried,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."

    The lad being tired began to retreat,

    And hung down his head like a flower,

    The ladies the more did desire the feat,

    But, alas! t'was out of his power —

    Then louder and louder they cry'd,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside/'

    I then did return, I cannot tell how,

    Nor what was in my mind;

    Nor what else I heard,

    I know not I vow,

    Nor saw I, for Cupid is blind -

    But only the ladies still cry'd,

    "Narcissus, come kiss us, and love us beside."


    THE WITTY WIFE

    A gentleman of very ancient family and considerable estate was married to a lady of beauty, wit, virtue, and good humour; but though he knew and acknowledged the merits of his wife, yet he was a man of so depraved a taste that the most dirty creature he could pick up frequently supplied her place.

    It happened when they were at their country seat that riding one morning to take the air, as was his usual custom, he met a ragged country wench, with a pair of wallets, or coarse linen bags, thrown over her shoulder. He stopped his horse, and asked what she had got there? To which she replied, with a low courtesy after the fashion, that it was broken victuals; that her mother and she had no sustenance but what they got from the charity of the cooks at great gentlemen's houses, and that she was now going home with what they had given her. "You need not be in haste, I suppose," said he.

    "If you will step with me into yonder field I will give you something to buy you a new gown."

    The poor girl needed not much persuasion to bring her to consent, on which he alighted from his horse, and threw the bridle over a hedge stake — the girl at the same time hung

    her bags on the pummel of the saddle, to prevent their coming to any harm, she then followed the gentleman a little way out of the road.

    The horse, not liking his situation, found means to get loose and ran directly home. The lady by chance was at the window when he came galloping into the courtyard. She was at first a little frightened to see him without his rider, but perceiving the bags she called to have them brought to her, and on their being so was not long at a loss to guess the meaning of this adventure. She then ordered the cook to empty the wallets, and put whatever she found in them into a clean dish, and send it up in the first course that day at dinner- which accordingly was done.

    The husband on missing his horse walked home, and brought with him two neighbouring gentlemen, whom he accidentally met in his way. But these guests did not prevent the lady from prosecuting her intention. The beggar's provision was set upon the table — remnants of stale fowls, bones half picked, pieces of beef, mutton, lamb, veal, with several lumps of bread promiscuously huddled together, made a very comical appearance. Everyone presently had his eye upon this dish, and the husband, not knowing what to make of it, cried out pretty hastily, "What is this? What have we got here?"

    To which the lady, with the greatest gaiety, replied, "It is a new fashioned olio, my dear! It wants no variety; I think there is a little of everything, and I hope you will eat heartily of it, as it is a dish of your own providing."

    The significant smile which accompanied these last words, as well as the tone of voice in which they were spoke, making him remember where the girl had hung her wallets, threw him into a good deal of confusion, which she perceiving, ordered the dish to be taken away, and said, "I see you do not like it, my dear, therefore, when next you go to market, pray be a better caterer,"

    "Forgive this," cried he, "and I promise never to go to any such market more."

    The gentlemen found there was some mystery in all this, but would not be so free as to desire an explanation. When dinner was over, however, and the lady, after behaving the whole time with all the cheerfulness imaginable, had retired to leave them to their bottle, the husband made no scruple of relating to them by what means his table had been furnished with a dish of so particular a kind; at which they laughed very heartily, and would have done so much more if their admiration of the lady's wit and good humour had not almost entirely engrossed their attention.


    AN ECCENTRICITY

    The mode of salutation among the Turks appears to be the most natural of any! They look at the person they wish to salute, and place the hand upon the region of the heart.

    In Egypt it was a custom for the master of the house in which a cat died, to shave his left eyebrow, as a token of grief.


    STABLE DUTY; OR THE WANTON WIFE AND FAVOURED GROOM

    There is not in the registers of human actions any class or adventure so abundantly productive of variety as that comprising matrimonial infidelity. The blooming virgin, though burning with natural sensation at the sight of a youth, equal in years and beauty; the blood at one moment rises to a deep crimson in her lovely cheeks, and at the next forsakes them as if forever. Though the sting of earnest desire pierces to the inmost recesses of her trembling heart, she is yet, in the general course of female delicacy, restrained from making first advances — but when a married woman once conceives what are commonly called tender emotions, they urge her to anything and everything that may produce a full and determined gratification — no matter who the object! No matter what the means! And this, except in a few rare instances, is invariably the case. The cool and philosophic enquirer would therefore be almost induced to think that what we generally call a criminal propensity, is rather a physical misfortune; and instead of exulting in the detection and punishment of connubial incontinence, weep over the frequent immolations of absolute despotic concupiscence; for which we may account in two ways: first, naturally produced by a too great quantity of blood and animal spirits; and second, by a sort of mixed cause, which is, when the moderate animal functions are irritated and set afloat by men who either neglect, or are not vigorous enough to gratify.

    Let any of the male species, possessed of health and ability, with a strong natural desire of indulgence, contemplate for one moment what would be his feelings if he slept whole nights, we are much afraid we might say whole weeks, in the same bed with a woman who, either having excited his passions, would refuse him, or with a woman who, having no passions of her own, is incapable of exciting them in others.

    Is it not like lying and rotting in cold oblivion? And would any, the most scrupulous champion of chastity, blame nature for seeking a more congenial association? Certainly not. Let us reverse this statement, and we must admit that it turns just as much in favour of the fair sex. Men neglect the objects of their former admiration and enjoyment, because they can with impunity have recourse to others; but if the same fear of disgrace attended such courses as does similar gratifications in women, we are apt to believe that the former thereby gratifying the latter, though in a kind of involuntary manner, would often save both from shame and perpetual solicitude.

    By the initial observations we do not mean to glance the least reflection upon the gentleman whose frail associate is the principal character of our present memoir. On the contrary, it is but justice to acknowledge that he can advance no fewer than eight living arguments in favour of his connubial and dutiful attention.

    He is one of three sons of a certain titled lady who are all remarkable for bearing different names, though we believe the children of the same father, and remarkable for as great a share of amiability as in genera! falls to the lot of one man.

    About eleven years ago he made choice of a young lady whose name for the sake of her family we must not at present reveal, though a very little time will in all probability make it public in the regions of Doctor's Commons. Nature seemed to have been profuse to her in all its favourite endowments — mildness, delicacy, sweetness of manners, and beauty, all united to inspire admiration, and with these, in her virgin train, he led her to the altar of hymen.

    Ten years they trod the flowery paths of love, of rapture, and of domestic bliss; and in the course of that period were blest with eight lovely children, in each of whom were united all the fine qualities so conspicuous in their parents. Unfortunately, however, the next produced effects which blighted all the fruits and flowers of Paradise, and left it a deserted wilderness.

    Mr. M- for such is the first letter of this gentleman's name, who had ever been in the habit of giving his wife proofs of his continued tenderness, in the beginning of this year made her a present of a very beautiful horse for her own riding. It was, indeed, in every respect, in his fond imagination, worthy of so inestimable a burden, and in their frequent excursions through the country, on hill and in valley, upon the borders of the restless ocean, and on the flowery downs, seemed always conscious and proud of its mistress.

    It happened sometimes that Mr. M- could not make it convenient to be of our heroine's pedestrian parties, and at her settled time of life, and with her established character, it was not at all thought indelicate to allow her an exercise of which she now became every day fonder and fonder, attended only by a single groom. In some time her rides were observed to be much longer than usual, but, except when she kept dinner waiting, the period of her absence was not observed. Her hair was frequently remarked to be much dishevelled, and on one occasion the skirt of her riding habit was perceived to be greatly crumpled and very dusty — but still such was the confidence of her fidelity, that suspicion never so much as glanced against her virtue.

    John, the groom, the hero of our narrative, was a stout, dirty, vulgar, lump of a country bumpkin, about twenty years of age, with short docked hair, a ruddy complexion, and a

    pair of fists as hard and ill-coloured as labour and the sunbeams could make them. In addition to this, his mental powers kept in exact unison, he could neither read nor write, nor even speak, except when repeating what he had often occasion to say to his horses, or his fellows of the manger. Yet, notwithstanding all this, such were the effects of his personal charms in the eyes of our heroine, such were the music and persuasive eloquence of his voice and conversation in her ears, that after a long struggle between virtue and desire the latter became the conqueror, and nothing short of enjoying the superior delights of his person could content her.

    Whether she made her first advances in a shady grove, or whether on the sunny bank of a retired river, whether she allured him by progressive soft seduction, or whether urged by the impetuosity of uncontrolled passion, she vie et armis secured her object, is not certain. It is sure, however, that the shady grove and sunny bank have often been the theatres of her delights, and that the lovers and zephyrs have, in those selected places, smiled upon her transports.

    The season for external recreation began now to decline, and winter, rough and rainy, set in to prevent the full enjoyment of her wishes. Her tender affection for the athletic groom knew, however, no abatement; and in order to support that she affected the most unremitting solicitude for her horse, the present of her still unsuspecting husband. She used frequently to contract the pleasures of her own table to have ocular proof that Silverfoot was not neglected. In short, her anxiety for that favourite animal at length became so remarkable as to make her the subject of raillery, and at length to surprise her family.

    It happened one evening between tea and supper, after a stable visit, that she returned to the drawing room in some degree of disorder, and Mr. M- with surprise, perceived something like horse-dung stains and straws sticking to the covering of her posteriors and the back part of her dress. As this appearance was not less unaccountable than extraordinary, it produced for the first time extraordinary and unaccountable sensations — a thousand flashes of thought crossed the imagination of Mr. M — , and jealousy, for the first time, seized upon his tormented feelings. He had, however, discretion and temper enough to suppress his suspicions, and to resolve upon proving whether they were well or ill founded.

    Agreeably to this resolution the next evening, when he saw by the uneasiness and agitation of our heroine, that she was preparing for a visit to the stable, he pretended indisposition, and, declaring that a short repose would render him service, retired, as if to rest upon a sofa in his study. Instead of which he stole to the stable, where concealing himself completely in the hay-loft, he remained snug until he heard his lady and the groom enter. Heaven and earth, and great and little stars! What were his emotions when he heard the former, in the strongest terms of love, excuse herself for being so long beyond her time, and the rustic brute of her regard upbraid her in terms of the lowest and most indecent language, for delaying his enjoyment. She soon soothed him, however, and his impatience superseded his choler. Without further ceremony he locked the door, and having spread a truss of straw on the pavement threw her thereon, and with rapidity, and in the full view of his enraged master began the operation pf disgrace.

    The act in itself was sufficiently provoking, but it was all the time attended with peculiar circumstances of comparative mortification. It was- "Oh! Oh! Dearest John- what a difference (and then a long break) between you and your master.

    Charming, John! I love you better than the whole world!" and a variety of other expressions, every one of which went like a barbed arrow into the heart of the listening and beholding husband.

    Rage now getting the better of every consideration, Mr. M- called out, "Abandoned woman; have I caught you?" A violent shriek from the detected matron succeeded.

    John, without finishing his business, started up, and running out of the stable effected his escape; and when the husband descended, he found his terrified inconstant wife extended in the very position of the act, and in a state of insensibility, from which it appeared impossible to arouse her.

    However enraged at her degenerate infidelity, however astonished at a discovery which, in his judgment, exceeded every boundary of female infamy, yet a recollection of his children, and the many days and nights of joy which he had experienced in her society, prevented him from violence. He adjusted her habiliments, and having by great exertions brought her to her senses, would have even concealed her shame, but Johnny in his flight disclosed the whole secret, which, upon returning to the house, he found was well known to all the servants.

    It was not the intention of Mr. M- ever more to cohabit with our heroine, but without divulging the cause to separate; in this, however, he was disappointed by John's flight and discovery, and now means to proceed in a legal way for a divorce.

    Did David show us anything

    When for his infant sorrowing?

    To show his grief did not he sing?

    What do we learn?

    My friend, the mourning pious king,

    Show'd his concern.


    A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED

    In a Case of Impotency

    In the last decade of the eighteenth century a libel was preferred in Doctor's Commons by the daughter of an Esculapian professor against her husband for the heinous matrimonial crime of impotency, which was quashed in that conscientious jurisdiction by an event, if not of the most fortunate, at least of the most critical nature. Without any

    presentiment, or allusion, of, or to, what actually happened, the defendant pleaded THE GENERAL ISSUE and the eccleciastical Jurats decreed that the opinion of three surgical examiners, upon oath, should decide the question, which, though neither of astronomy nor astrology, demanded a peculiar knowledge of the "globes," and all the principles of celestial and terrestrial "motion," nocturnal as well as diurnal. Messrs. Hocus, Pocus, and Focus, three very learned adepts in cases of this sort, were accordingly appointed upon this occasion. The defendant was served with notice of time and place, and every previous circumstance arranged to make the business as easy to his feelings as the nature thereof would admit.

    But notwithstanding all this judicial and medical delicacy, the unfortunate defendant found himself exceedingly agitated by apprehensions lest the examiners should not find matters altogether as perfect as their knowledge of female anatomy might judge necessary — besides, the well-known idea of shrinking through fear had a most disagreeable effect upon his recollection.

    However, as the criterion was decreed by the profound wisdom of the Spiritual Court, he considered it inevitable, and therefore submitted to the consequences. Behold now, gentle reader, especially if thou be of the softer and more tender sex- behold this votary of Hymen stretched upon his back! Behold the three sage sons of Galen with spectacles mounted! Behold the fingers of the eldest already applied to the flexible portcullis which screened and guarded the TRIA JUNCTA of human perpetuity! Behold them, like three Jewish high priests or Mahometan muftis going to perform the ceremony of circumcision, and call to your recollection what indeed must have been the feelings of the unfortunate object of their investigation. But, to return — Just as the enquiry was commencing, with no very favourable symptoms for our hero, a loud rapping was heard at the door of the apartment; the operation ceased, and the door being opened, a female far advanced in pregnancy made her appearance, attended by a grave looking matron, and two

    officers belonging to the court, who, upon a proper application, had issued its authority to that purpose.

    The three examiners now enquired into the cause of this intrusion, when the grave lady, who, it seems, was nearly allied in consanguinity to the defendant, addressed them to the following purport: "Gentlemen, as the honour of my family is deeply concerned in this business, I have, by bribing the maid servant of this lady, found that, notwithstanding her charges against my relation, she was actually with child when she left him, and for that reason, without mentioning my intentions to anyone, I procured a proper citation, and contrived to have her brought before you, that your eyes might be satisfied as to the falsity of the imputations." At this moment the poor victim of examination raised himself up, and, to his utter astonishment, beheld his complaining spouse with every mark of having received ample justice.

    Nothing could possible excite more wonder than this accident — Hocus, however, observed that it might be altogether a deception — Pocus was therefore for feeling the reality — and Focus declared that there was nothing like ocular demonstration, especially since the adoption of pads, or comme il fauts. The examination was, therefore, immediately translated from the masculine to the feminine gender, and the plaintiff became defendant in error; but nothing could induce the three examiners from being fully satisfied. She was extended upon the same table, where but a few minutes before lay her husband, and, having gone through a thorough investigation, her case was pronounced to be an "ipso facto issue," proving to the utmost satisfaction of justice, penetration, and all those subsequent effects which the modesty of the laws upon trials for rapes and impotencies so necessarily demands.


    AN ECCENTRICITY

    A gentlemen was in the habit, whenever attending a public dinner, of always, when called upon for a toast, giving, "The Church." His wife, who was rather deaf, got tired of this continual repetition, and told him that the next time he gave it she would expose him. The husband taking the hint upon the next occasion gave, "The Ladies." The wife, mistaking this for the old toast, astonished the company by rising and saying- "I told my husband that if he again gave this toast I would expose him — I assure you he has not been in one for a very long time, and the last time he was he came out before it was half over."


    CURIOUS DISCOURSE ON THE MEANING, DUTY, AND HAPPINESS OF KISSING

    'Jacob kissed Rachel/' — Gen. c. 29, v. 11.

    To prove that he did not incur the least guilt by this delightful act, we have the combined testimonies of the scriptures; and the unanimous opinions of the most learned interpreters of the passage which we have selected for the subject of the following discourse.

    Multitudes of men since the days of this illustrious patriarch have done the same, and been, like him, as absolutely free from sinning. The voice of all ages has not merely confirmed the rectitude of the practice, but emphatically recommended the initiation of it to posterity.

    Much does it redound to the humour of the present century, and to the natives of the British empire in particular, that in this agreeable pursuit, instead of ever deviating from the paths of their "pious" ancestors, they have improved to such a degree upon the example, that future times however well disposed to bear obediently in their remembrance so captivating a lesson, will find it difficult to surpass them in their adherence to this engaging virtue.

    May we constantly persevere in fervent efforts to deserve this character. Indefatigably performing so essential and so exquisite a branch of our Christian duty, may we proceed from strength to strength, rejoicing until we obtain the completion of our utmost wishes.

    In the discussion of this important point, I propose, first, to consider the meaning of the words "Jacob kissed Rachel."

    Secondly, to enforce the fullest submission to the charming precept which they convey.

    First, as to the meaning of the words, "Jacob kissed Rachel/'

    The verb to kiss, the substantive a kiss, and participle kissing, and that strange and equivocally sounding phrase kissed, will all admit of a double interpretation. They may signify either a simple salute, or a ceremony more complicated in its nature; but the kissing described in the text under the former description; it was a mere contact of the lips, accompanied by, perhaps a partial, perhaps a mutual smacking.

    This will appear from an examination of the context. We learn that Jacob departed from the house of his father upon a journey to the land of the people of the East, for the purpose of receiving a beautiful and meritorious wife into his bosom.

    This expedition was difficult, interesting, and momentous.

    On the result of it depended his bliss or misery. The partner of his nuptial bed might either cover it with piercing thorns, or, with a kind and constant hand, strew it over with unfading wreaths of roses.

    After a tedious pilgrimage, if the expression be allowable, he arrived at Padanaram, in Syria, a country which seemed, for various reasons, the peculiar favourite of heaven.

    In one of the green valleys of this fertile region he met the young, the elegant, and lovely Rachel. Instigated by the propensity of his nature, and the power of her personal attractions, he flew to her embraces, and, in the energetic language of the text, "he kissed her/'

    What man, not cursed by a detestable abhorrence of the sex, could refrain from taking, or at least wishing to take, the same liberty? Fair and inviting was the opportunity; and it is difficult to decide whether the cold temperament of him who could resist it ought to exercise pity, or incur contempt.

    It is not proved that Rachel either resisted or even objected against this freedom from a stranger; we may, therefore, venture to determine that the salutation had quite the opposite effect upon the solid principle regarding which the learned, so prone to controversy, and so notorious for a discordancy of sentiments, have seldom differed, that women, and especially virgins, such as at this period we must consider Rachel, did never from the creation of the world to the present hour conceive a mortal antipathy to a kiss from an admirer glowing with all the manly allurements of youth, comeliness, and vigour.

    But no readiness to take offence, no spark of momentary resentment, no flashes of transient anger were raised within her breast by the tender familiarity of Jacob. She received it as the welcome presage of a fonder intimacy, which terminated in a prosperous marriage.

    Thus, as in the days of yore, kissing is generally the forerunner of closer connections, which, sometimes, have led to sweet and uncorrupted matrimony; but which has often with a faithless step been known to start aside from the fascinating object to which the male lover declared that it was ultimately tending.

    Thrice fortunate are they who, unalterably attentive to the hallowed mandate which proceeds from heaven, from nature, and speaks with soft, yet almost soft insurmountable persuasion, to every son and daughter of the universe, can truly exclaim, "We have not laboured in vain; nor suffered the flower of our age to drop withering from the stalk. We have not expended our force to unavailing purposes; we possess the commendation of our.own consciences, and the esteem of our friends; in addition to all which enviable felicities, our children shall rise up and call us blessed!"

    Having thus briefly considered the import of the expression, "Jacob kissed Rachel," I shall, secondly, endeavour to fix upon your minds the actual expediency of implicitly submitting to the cordial precept which it inculcates.

    Whatever nature inclines us to do, the same not being prohibited by any positive law, either divine or human, it certainly behooves us to execute.

    On this occasion, my brethren, and you, my fair auditors, the injunction presents itself with an aspect so winning and so enlightened that you cannot hesitate to regard it as at once rational and ecstatic. Yield, therefore, to its benignant influence — raptures which no language can describe spring up before it; raptures at which the noblest union of the senses may not only assist with innocence, but plenteously partake of the most exquisite of all the triumphs of mutual affection.

    Let the inanimate being of the masculine gender, if such unfortunately there are, who compose a part of my congregation, examine their inward feelings and declare whether they would not conceive it difficult totally to resist the temptation of lips like those of Rachel — a fragrance equal to the ambrosial odours of an April morn issuing from their vermilioned surface, to render them not the least captivating of that almost divine assemblage of features in which Jacob doubtless perceived the spotless index of the milder virtues, invariably directed throughout their lucid progress by the best and consequently the most serviceable qualities of a female understanding.

    How glorious was the opportunity here afforded of gratifying the desires interwoven, for wise and for bounteous reasons, nearly at the very moment of its creation within the human frame.

    But I can venture to affirm that the majority of those to whom I now address myself are composed of materials too sublime, too effervescent, too luxuriously prone to the participation of the fair indulgence which is the harbinger of hymenial bliss not to enjoy, by the warm magic of an elevated imagination, those scenes of reciprocal endearment as having passed been Jacob and Rachel- "He kissed her,"

    "He lifted up his voice and wept/' In sorrow? No; from an excess of transport. The joy which overflowed the heart ran gushing from the delighted eye, dropping a tributary tear upon the yet firm and snowy bosom of the seducing cause of this inevitable yet just emotion.

    From the case of Jacob, it is not erroneously but highly requisite to infer that his behaviour at the interview with Rachel should be taken, so long as the world exists, for a pattern by all who may have the advantage of standing in a similar predicament; for it would prove unjustifiable, and even criminal, to entertain the most distant idea that we have been endowed at our birth with inclinations and desires which could not be gratified without "sinning against the law and the prophets."

    Needless is it to dwell longer upon this particular head; and the rather, as the agreeable doctrine of the illustrious apostle of the Gentiles is unswearably persuasive in the support of my argument, against those frigid, and to the credit of human kind, let us add, those few controversalists who are disposed to cast an ignominious doubt upon its infallibility. The discerning and accomplished saint was frequently earnest in exhorting his followers to fulfil one of the most grateful of his commands: he has said, "Salute ye one another with an holy kiss."


    THE EFFECT OF FRENCH NOVELS UPON THE TICHBORNE TRIAL; OR "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN"

    "Neither June, nor rain, nor thunder

    Shall utterly efface I ween

    The thought of that which 'might have been.'"

    Coleridge ("Crystabel") Said Kenealy, from drinking and smoking and snuff,

    Mortality, suffer a shock;

    But build up a Roger, they are not enough;

    You must call in the aid of De Kock.

    With the aid of translations,

    I'll prove it, I say, I'll prove it as sure as the clock;

    That Tichborne became such a mauvais sujet,

    Through reading the works of De Kock.

    "Seduction made easy" and "Vice Harmless Sport"

    Are his teachings, our morals to shock;

    "Then 'twere best," said the Chief,

    "to keep ladies from Court While you are translating De Kock."

    So next day an order was posted which ran,

    "No ladies before twelve o'clock";

    And Kenealy appeared and straightway began,

    To recite from the works of De Kock.

    But though 'reft of ladies, silk gowns did abound,

    And stuff-on the back on the back of black coats;

    And Chief, Bar, and Jury sure never were found,

    So earnest in taking down notes.

    The extracts, so spicy, so naughty, but nice,

    The Chief, Bar, and Jury's ears thrill;

    They were charmed with Mon Voisin, and silent as mice

    When he opened the "Maide of Belleville."

    "I could listen all day," said the Chief, with delight.

    Said Mellor, "I don't care a rush,

    If Paul De Kock takes up a week or a fortnight";

    "It's capital, really," said Lush.

    Thought the Jury, "it's certainly far more amusing,

    On a morning in sultry July,

    To list to French novels than hear the abusing

    Of Jesuits, Priests, and such fry."

    But, Dr. Kenealy, could you but have known

    The effect of your choice recitation;

    The Bar is not marble, nor soldiers alone

    The combustible part of the nation.

    For alas! That Palladium by Englishmen prized

    Couldn't stand the assaults of the French;

    The profligate writer soon demoralized

    The Jury, the Bar, and the Bench.

    "Don't you think it a shame to keep ladies from this?"

    Said Lush, to the Chief, half aside;

    "Parhleu and Mon Dieu!" said the Chief, "so it is,"

    And he sent to invite them inside.

    And adds, "Lest they're crowded in gallery high,

    Politeness we'll learn from the French,

    So, usher, the prettiest girls you can spy, Just offer a seat on the Bench."

    Toute suite, with gay muslins, the Bench was o'er charged,

    And the Chief, it may be, showed his taste,

    When the rules of his court he forever enlarged,

    And took Mabel Grey round the waist.

    And Mellor was seen to nod, smirk, and gloat

    On red cheeks and corked eyelids with glee;

    And Lush found it difficult taking a note With Baby Thornhili on his knee.

    Ancl the Jury sat grinning and winking their eye,

    And decency treating with scorn,

    While they chucked billets doux to the girls who were by

    For appointments that night at Cremorne.

    And then the infection ran all through the Bar,

    And flirting and spooning began,

    Till the ushers were pulled up for going too far,

    In wanting to dance the Can-Can!


  • THE THREE CHUMS: A TALE OF LONDON EVERYDAY LIFE CHAPTER I
  • CHAPTER II
  • CHAPTER III
  • THE DISEMBODIED SPIRIT
  • KISSI-KISSI OR, WHAT I SAW IN A GARRET
  • AN AMBASSADOR EXTRAORDINARY, AND THE HUMOUROUS MISTAKES OF A COUNTRY CORPORATION
  • ECCENTRICITIES
  • NARCISSUS
  • THE WITTY WIFE
  • AN ECCENTRICITY
  • STABLE DUTY; OR THE WANTON WIFE AND FAVOURED GROOM
  • A SPECIAL PLEA IN ABATEMENT; OR A GENERAL ISSUE JOINED
  • AN ECCENTRICITY
  • CURIOUS DISCOURSE ON THE MEANING, DUTY, AND HAPPINESS OF KISSING
  • THE EFFECT OF FRENCH NOVELS UPON THE TICHBORNE TRIAL; OR "WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN"
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